NY Times brought us another story hard to satirize: Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills Iraqi Pupils. The massive mistake has led intelligence officials to revisit incidents going back to 9 11. “If they could set off a bomb thinking it was a belt, maybe they could have hit the World Trade Center, thinking it was an airport,” says one higher up in the CIA insisting on anonymity because he isn’t toeing the party line.
“We have two issues. One is if this guy really did accidentally blow up an entire class of suicide bombers and the other is if he didn’t,” said Marquel’s source. “The story is inherently fishy. Why was he teaching this course? Is he like a professor of suicide bombology? You see that’s pretty hard to believe.”
“Why is that,” asked Marquel. “You had me believing it as you said it.”
“Think about it. There’s no such thing as bombology. Terrorists teach from experience. Those that went on jihad in Afghanistan came back to teach others.”
“That sounds logical,” said Marquel. “So why does that make this fishy?”
“Ha!” said my contact. “Think about it. How many experienced suicide bombers can there be?”
Marquel shrugged.
“None! Any experienced suicide bomber good enough to teach the skill is dead. How’s that for a little fishiness?” Asked my source.
“I see your point,” said Marquel. “I do.”
“There’s more,” Marquel’s source added.
“Well it is complicated” murmured Marquel.
“No!”
“No?” Asked Marquel.
“No. What would a suicide bomber teach? What skill set is involved in suicide bombing?”
“Dunno,” said an intimidated Marquel.
“Nothing! There is no skill set. Nothing to learn. Nothing to teach. You either press a button when you reach the target…or someone else does on a cell phone. All you need is someone stupid enough to do it. The stupider the better. That’s a negative skill set.”
“I see what you mean,” said Marquel. “I really do.”
“And so the story of the teacher killing his 22 students doesn’t wash.”
“No,” said Marquel, “it doesn’t. Not at all.”
“So the alternative is that they were just working on explosives and are terribly stupid. That seems to fit. But then 9 11 may have to be revisited.”
“Why?” Asked Marquel.
“Well the story depends on the existence of a well trained skilled cell of terrorists executing a very complicated plan. Doesn’t fit does it?” Asked our source.
“I see what you mean,” said Marquel.
“I knew you would. So 9 11 was not a highly trained plan but a massive accident.” said Marquel’s source.
“But why would Al Qaeda take the blame?”
“Blame? “Blame?” Asked our source. “Credit! They took the credit! They became famous overnight and ten times more skilled in everyone’s eyes than they really are. A group of incompetent dummies who have worldwide respect.”
“Then why couldn’t our navy seals capture them for years?” Asked Marquel.
“Think about it. Was he hiding? No! He was in a villa in the middle of town with his 14 wives and 380 kids.”
“So why couldn’t we find him?” repeated Marquel.
Did you ever think,” asked the source, “that both sides might be playing the same game?”
“No!” exclaimed Marquel. “You mean the navy seals are as incompetent as Al Qaeda? They’re more like baby seals than navy seals?”
“Well,” he said, “you said it, I didn’t. But think about it. Who enlists in the army or navy? Unemployables. Not the brightest head in the line. When was the last time we had a genius in the army?”
“When?” Asked Marquel.
“Last time we had a draft. Why would a genius join the army, or even anyone with half a brain? Only if you forced him. That’s why we have a draft…when we have one….” said the talkative spy.
“But if so, what about the war on terrorism?”
“If I’m right, it doesn’t matter. Nobody will get hurt barring an accident.” Said our CIA contact.
“How can we prevent that?” Asked Marquel.
“Two things. One, don’t give them anything dangerous. That’s hard to do given that they are soldiers. Second, keep them far away. Like in Pakistan or Afghanistan.”
“So we’re actually doing the right thing,” said Marquel.
“Yes essentially. But we should try to keep them otherwise occupied to keep them out of trouble. Toys. Trains and planes.”
“No! You don’t mean.. ,” stammered Marquel.
The contact merely nodded as Marquel continued, “…drones!!”
Our CIA contact disappeared as fast as he had arrived, leaving us scratching our heads.
You can follow Marquel on Twitter @MarquelatTPV
Imagine the results when done intentionally.
Marquel…you’re funnier than fun.
what’s to instruct? what vest to put on?
Is this a joke? If not, I guess we should be happy that these are our enemies.
sorry, but I don’t get it…these guys don’t have anger issues. they have boredom issues. get them some cable-TV access.
ditto
Marquel. Your CIA contact sounds real. Especially this exchange:
“…we should try to keep them otherwise occupied to keep them out of trouble. Toys. Trains and planes.”
“No! You don’t mean.. ,” stammered Marquel.
The contact merely nodded as Marquel continued, “…drones!!”
Our CIA contact disappeared as fast as he had arrived, leaving us scratching our heads.”
Man, you rock!
The same?
Speaking of adorable, I liked: “They’re more like baby seals than navy seals?”