Everything in a Can

Marquel, TPVs New York Times toy and harem correspondent was on his way to buy a spray of poo-pourri, when he learned about another useful spray– Help for Referees, in a Can. A referee can spray what looks like shaving cream at the spot where a free kick should be taken before pacing off the 10 yards where a wall will form.

It’s an amazing device because it’s so simple and avoids a terrible problem–a dozen two hundred pound men shuffling several yards forward to gain an unfair advantage.

The manufacturer is looking for opportunities to expand its market and believes it’s found several.

It wasn’t a big story, Marquel knew, but big changes have often come from small inventions and Marquel is one who never wants to be behind the times, except for the New York Times.

The product, called Silva spray after it’s founder, Pablo Silva,  emits something that looks like shaving cream but which doesn’t stay permanently and doesn’t leave any aftereffects after it disappears.

I went to talk with Mr. Silva. We met in a Third Avenue sports bar which was showing World Cup replays.

“This seems like a limited market to me,” I said, “where else might you use it besides soccer and football?”

“Halloween,” he said, “you can cover an entire house with what appears to be shaving cream but next morning it’s gone.”

“Two problems,” I said. “First, Halloween comes only once a year. It’s like selling turkeys. not much business outside the holiday.”

“It’s still a big market even if only once a year.” He interjected.

“Okay,” I said, “but I understand it only lasts a couple minutes. Kids won’t like it.”

“I can adjust the time.” He said, “we’ll sell normal and long lasting.”

“Okay what else?” I wondered.

“Sex toys.” He said. “Spray it on each other or even clothing and it’s gone. If the husband barges in, assuming there is a wayward spouse, it’s gone. No proof, no evidence.”

“Unless they use long lasting,” I remarked.

“There’ll be a warning.” He assured me.

“Any other ideas?” I asked.

“Sure. Parents.” He said.

“How’s that?” I questioned.

“You’re with your kids and you say, ‘stay there, don’t move’ .” He said.

“And you spray that on the floor?” I asked.

“Exactly,” he answered, smiling.

“And then what?” I asked.

“If they move,” he said, “you beat them.”

“That would work,” I remarked, “but it sounds harsh.”

“But you can do the same with your pet if you’re teaching it to stay,” he said.

“That sounds better,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Law enforcement.” He asserted.

“How’s that work?” I asked.

“Police lines for one. Next morning they’re gone. Stop and frisk. You tell the suspect not to move. More exigent circumstances, it could be used to tell a suspect if he moves you’ll shoot  him.”

“You think a criminal’s going to respect some shaving cream on the pavement?” I questioned.

“Sure if you tell him he’s dead if he moves. I think Silva spray will make us all safer.” He said.

“I’d like to have a more fun with it,” I said. “Couldn’t it just be like…a toy?”

“It’s too important for that.” he said.

I wondered. Is this the way business develops in the United States? Some moron comes up with a sports idea, almost as stupid as sports itself, and then tries to capitalize on it. With luck, he makes billions and then buys Congress. I reached for the spray bottle. I don’t know whether it was long-lasting or not. I pointed it at him and covered him with Silva Spray. Over and over, around and around, top to bottom, bottom to top. He looked like Bela Lugosi in the zombie movie

“Mmmmffff….Mmmmfff…helfffffff…..whell….whell…mmmmmffff.”

I left, and knew that sooner or later he’d be fine. I, on the other hand, had the rush hour F train to look forward to.

While I was in the F train thinking how long Silva would be encased in shaving, or Silva, cream, I read the following on my Android Times app: Two Activists Within Mormon Church Threatened With Excommunication. Kate Kelly and John P. Dehlin were both notified this week by the church that their activism toward ordaining women and admitting openly gay members could lead to their expulsion.

Poor things. They might never be Mormons again. I’d love to interview them but there’s no service in most of the F train. So I imagined the problems they might face as somewhat defrocked Mormons. They couldn’t be in a Mormon harem. They’d have to do everything themselves. Cooking, washing, cleaning, clipping coupons, washing their own hair. What a punishment. Mormons seem to know their way around punishment. It’s a useful, though not truly ecclesiastical, talent.

These two wouldn’t have been in, or possessed, a harem, male or female, anyway, because that’s the whole point. They want women’s and gay rights, equality. And to be priests. Really? I suppose if they were priests, some women might be able to excommunicate some of the men. Bet that’s the real issue. Those men might not mind a few female priests but imagine being excommunicated by one.

And the harems would be screwed up for good. The husband would have to ask, “what position tonight, father?” Sounds a bit gay doesn’t it? I don’t really know if Mormons call their priests father but just for the sake of my imagined colloquy, I would insist on it.

And that’s probably the root of it all. These two Mormons, for a while anyway, want gay rights, too. The Mormons will never accept that. Not that I know that much but Mormons are so indelibly straight in a teleological sense. You see a Mormon, you know what straight means, right?

With gay members, I would imagine the whole harem thing would go down the toilet. I mean gay women in groups don’t really attract that much attention. Mormons would be left wondering every two seconds, walking the streets of Salt Lake City, was that a harem, a gay girl harem, or just a girl group? Same with a group of men. Are they buddies? Or more than that? Or less?

It’s a conundrum but mostly caused by stubbornness. Once they had true equality you’d expect to get…male harems! A lot of men would like that, I think. Lots of help with the chores, and no need to plead headache or tired. Depending on the size of the harem, your turn might not come for quite a while, and the opportunity to send in a last minute sub would be ever present.

My stop was coming up. I wondered if Silva was free from his spray or whether he was still that ghostly white. Imagine Silva spray in a Mormon male harem. What fun! That’s a market that Silva will miss. He never mentioned Mormons. But who does?

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BY MARQUEL: