An Affair? France Shrugs, but Its Leader Calls for Privacy. And He Means It. Not.

A journal in France claims to have “caught” Francois “Doc” Hollande, the country’s unmarried president in an affair with an equally single woman. The evidence, however, is murky at best, Marquel, TPVs hot shot bilingual investigat​ive correspond​ent uncovers. The paper wrote the story based on photos of a man whose face was entirely covered by a moped helmet complete with visor. A few times the unknown man arrived carrying a sack of potatoes, and, to boot, he arrived on the moped sitting behind another helmeted man who drove.

Other photos showed the woman arriving at the same apartment shortly before the potato-bearer arrived, and other photos showed the masked driver arriving in the morning to deliver presumably fresh croissants. Later they left together on the same moped, with the woman presumably exiting sometime after.

Sources at the palace have been surprisingly cooperative, adding to the mystery. TPVs source explains that it all started last year when Hollande’s plane on its way to see Germany’s Angela Merkel, was hit by lightning and had to return to Paris.

“Doc” Hollande (so called by his intimes because of his academic manner and the hyper intellectual books he has authored and co- authored) stated later that the incident was “like being hit by a bolt of lightning,” and he started to reconsider his position and waning popularity.

To”Doc” the solution was clear. If Mitterrand could have a secret daughter, “Doc” could, and should, have a secret lover. The only question was who? “Doc” Hollande is not known as the most stimulating sexual partner. He went to his Rolodex and found, much to his surprise, under “girlfriends,” a name that might fit: Julie Gayet, a sometime actress.

Doc’s Rolodex is not known to contain girlfriends and upon further inquiry it turns out to have been left in the palace by Sarkozy, the preceding president.

Doc called Julie who agreed to meet but said that Nick (Sarkozy) should be told since she was still seeing him. Julie warmed to the approach however, when Doc explained that this was all to burnish his public image.

“It’s,” she said proudly, “pour la France.” She also revealed, fortuitously, that she also gives acting lessons. “Génial,” said Doc.

The stage was set, according to our palace sources. Only the call to Nick remained. Hollande called last month, we are told by our sources, and Sarkozy suggested,

Why don’t we share her?

We are told Hollande immediately accepted, saying, “Zat’s very French of you, Nicholas.”

“Vive la France,” replied Sarkozy, and added that Julie appreciated a bag of apples to enjoy and share during the evening.

When we asked our sources why Doc Hollande arrived with potatoes instead of apples, it was easily explained.

Doc always confuses pommes (apples) with pommes de terre (potatoes). His French was never very good. Still isn’t.

TPV offered that the same mistake was often ours, too.

“C’est évident,” said our source.

The denials recently issued by the president have been believed by literally no one. Julie Gayet was seen watching her lover filled with anger at the story’s invasion of privacy.

“Eet’s believable and unbelievable at the same time, n’est-ce pas?” She said proudly. “Vee spent days and days and nights and nights practicing zat,” she said.

TPV could not resist being indiscreet, asking “when you weren’t making amour, mais oui?”

“Oh no, never. His training came first. He had to make a denial that wasn’t one, and the rest of the time we tried to make frites. Do you know how difficile they are? Pas possible, en fait!”

A less ludicrous but also less investigative account is available at http://nyti.ms/1a67esi. And to understand why Valerie may never recover, see below: