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That No Bok Choy

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcxQf_Kevdw[/embedyt]Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Pets and Vegetables Section correspondent was staring at his lonely gold fish, when he read The Latest Icon in Artistic Rebellion: A Cabbage.  There’s a reason the Chinese authorities are not known for their sense of humor. They even stopped the artist Han Bing when he went to Tiananmen Square with the latest trendy object in the Chinese art world — a pet cabbage.

A pet cabbage is too much like a pet rock to stir up much of a fuss in New York, if any. But Marquel still has his pet rock from 1979 and adores it. They’ve been through thick and thin and the rock hasn’t changed or aged a day in over three decades. Tell that to your Mynah bird.

But stopping somebody from walking their pet object seems overreacting.

PETA, where are you? Marquel was at first going to interview PETA about whether they support object rights. But that really missed the heart of this story. That could only be found and explored in Tiananmen Square. Once again Marquel found himself aboard an intercontinental jet that surpassed the Acela in speed and reliability.

I took my pet rock with me, and several other objects and vegetables, thinking I could probably find more vegetables in China. After trying to sleep off my jet lag in a cheap hotel, I mosied down to the square with my pet rock. The area was deserted except for some soldiers. I gave the rock a good workout with no reaction from police or soldiers. When I left, however, a soldier with a formidable gun across his chest blocked my way. He was trying to say something but failing. Finally he said, “pet rock, huh?” With a broad smile. “Pet rock” he repeated and looked admiringly at my rock. I left the square. Apparently sometime between 1978 and 2014, news of the American pet rock had hit the China shores.

I returned to my hotel room and replaced the rock with a carrot. We did a circuit of the square with no reaction. Except the same soldier approached me, looking slightly confused, first asked, “pet rock?” and answered his own question saying, “that no pet rock.”

I said, “No, that no pet rock.”

He looked at me and said “I study English.”

So, I said, “Not pet rock, pet carrot.” He repeated my words, we smiled, and I left. In my hotel room I switched the carrot with an eggplant. Same reaction from everyone present including my soldier friend who could now pronounce and understand carrot and eggplant. I felt obligated to teach him more. I spent the rest of the afternoon with a potato, an apple, an onion, some Belgian endive, and a small melon. My friend now knew seven new words. That’s enough, I thought, at least for one day, the sun was starting to set, and it was time for the Big Test.

I switched objects, made sure my leash was secure, and went down to the Square once more. There were murmurs from outside the square, and a few dozen people approached the fence surrounding it. As I walked my pet, I saw the soldiers getting up from their sleepy doze and start walking towards me. I didn’t see my friend.

A lieutenant said, “You cannot do that here.” The other soldiers muttered what sounded like agreement.

I asked why.

First they shrugged. Then they said something in Chinese which, for some reason, I’m sure was “because.” But nothing in English.

Suddenly my friend elbowed his way from the back to right in front of me. “You can’t do that here,” he said.

“But why?” I asked. “I walked my rock, my carrot, my eggplant, my Belgian endive, my potato, my onion, my melon.”

He repeated the words, “rock, carrot, eggplant, Belgian endive, potato, onion, melon. All good!” he said smiling at me.

“Well,” I said.

“Well,” he said.

“What’s wrong with this?” I asked.

First he repeated the sentence, then realized our language lesson was over. Now it was serious business.

“This,” he said, “bad.”

I started walking again, but the soldiers blocked me.

My friend said, “You must not do this. You jail.”

“I will go to jail?” I asked.

“I will go to jail,” he repeated, shaking his head.

“Can I take my pet cabbage with me?” I asked.

He shook his head indicating that was probably permitted.

“Then why not here?” I asked.

“This,” he said, “pet cabbage. Pet cabbage not good.”

I tried to explain to him that pet objects were meant to criticize our attachment to objects, like our cars, houses, cell phones. He shook his head as if he understood.

I unleashed my cabbage, and tied my phone to the leash and walked it around a bit. The soldiers retreated. My friend followed behind me.

I looked at him, hoping for some real understanding. “Why can I do this with my phone and everything else, but not the cabbage?” He repeated the word, “phone” several times, and I said more completely, “cellphone,” which he dutifully pronounced with a fairly good accent, all things considered.

He approached me closely, and said, “Cabbage look like Mao.”

I was stunned. I was expecting something more. But he was such a nice Chinese soldier, and I believed him. I smiled at him and said. “Yes, Mao. Exactly.” We both smiled and he put both hands on my shoulders. He whispered in an exaggerated way to emphasize the secret. “Mao. Mao.”

I said, “I see.”

He said, “Good. We keep cabbage, okay?”

“Fine,” I said.

I had taught a Chinese soldier almost a dozen new English words and solved the mystery of the pet cabbage, something that the Times didn’t even get close to. I was proud of my self and thought I’d done a good day’s work. I looked at the vegetables in my room and realized that the eggplant bore a striking resemblance to Richard Nixon, but all the rest, including my rock, looked like nothing except themselves.

It’s probably safer and better going through life just looking like yourself. That’s something we can all do.

***

BY MARQUEL: Cabbage Look Like

 

8 COMMENTS

  1. Really Marquel? Mocking PETA? GREAT!!!
    “PETA, where are you? Marquel was at first going to interview PETA about whether they support object rights.”

  2. I adore your sense of humor and detail. You’re the best. Go Marquel! Go!

    “I took my pet rock with me, and several other objects and vegetables, thinking I could probably find more vegetables in China. After trying to sleep off my jet lag in a cheap hotel, I mosied down to the square with my pet rock. The area was deserted except for some soldiers. I gave the rock a good workout with no reaction from police or soldiers.”

  3. I don’t know what’s going on in your little mind, but this is funny and really nasty edgy…But I loved it. Excellent.

    ” Except the same soldier approached me, looking slightly confused, first asked, “pet rock?” and answered his own question saying, “that no pet rock.”

    I said, “No, that no pet rock.”

    He looked at me and said “I study English.”

    So, I said, “Not pet rock, pet carrot.” He repeated my words, we smiled, and I left. In my hotel room I switched the carrot with an eggplant. Same reaction from everyone present including my soldier friend who could now pronounce and understand carrot and eggplant.”

  4. Wow!

    My friend said, “You must not do this. You jail.”

    “I will go to jail?” I asked.

    “I will go to jail,” he repeated, shaking his head.

  5. Man, you’re bat crazy, BUT I love you!
    He approached me closely, and said, “Cabbage look like Mao.”

  6. Nice with the cabbage… I saw a headline and was curious but didn’t want to have to go the the Times for the story. More acceptance of diversity in China than the mainstream media would have me believe, too (endive!) And the Nixon eggplant, memories…

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