BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Determines Yelling at T.V. Ineffective at Helping Rangers Win

Following last night’s 3-0 loss to the Islanders, Astoria resident Richard Ames conceded that his well-practiced strategy of yelling instructions to the Rangers at key moments of games was no longer working. “It just isn’t happening. Something has to change.”

“Look, they’re terrible,” Ames said, as the Rangers fell behind 1-0 on a power play goal less than five minutes into the first period. “I mean, when Lundquist let in that third goal in the first period against Minnesota, I was pretty sure that my yelling was going to help turn things around. And for awhile, you can’t deny it worked.”

The Rangers came back in that game only to lose 3-2.

“But we’re losing to everyone,” Ames continued. “That last game…Minnesota? Half of that state is part of Canada. We lose to them? No one even knows who the president of Canada is, or what kind of money they use…” A faraway look passed over his face as he stared vacantly at the Rangers post-game show. “Minnesota…” Ames repeated softly.

When Ames was asked if he used his yelling strategically, he said,

“Of course. During the first power play I told them to spread it out and control the zone.” Ames’s voice rose to a low yell. “Pucks on net!”

And then, with less conviction,

“But Desharnais kept missing the net. And Nash wouldn’t go strong to the front of the goal. I just don’t know what to do.”

Turning off the TV, Ames took a more reflective tone.

“I mean, maybe they just need to hear it a little more. It’s worked before. We beat Winnipeg on Sunday!” Ames’s face brightened slightly. “Maybe if I yell more at [Rangers coach] Vignault…well, that could work, right? Couldn’t it?”

The Rangers season continues on Saturday with an afternoon game against the Senators. Ames’s plans remain unclear, but early reports have indicated that chicken wings may become part of the mix.


By RUFUS DAVIS: BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Determines Yelling at T.V. Ineffective at Helping Rangers Win

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