British Spies Intercept Sexually Explicit Yahoo Private Webcam Videos

Where the much-respected NY Times reports British spies Said to Have Intercepted Yahoo Webcam Images, Marquel, TPVs Times Correspondent goes further and adds that British spies were after sexually explicit and pornographic Yahoo webcam images.

This story was not surprising to Marquel. He has known many spies: NSA, CIA, FBI, agents, and they all fool around. But webcams are a bit more private since many of them involve consenting adults titillating each other with their images without any intention of publishing then more widely. It is just as if they were sneaking in through doors and intruding on the privacy of ordinary, and ordinarily sexually desperate, citizens.

What did they think they were doing, Marquel wondered, and did they not fear getting caught. He decided to fly to London and speak to MI6 itself.

In London he was ushered into headquarters where they insisted he watch a film about Enigma and MI6 in WWII, and the cracking of the code for the infamous Nazi encryption machine. Ticked off at having to submit to their PR, he saw an opening. “What,” he asked, “would those heroic agents have thought of going through people’s bedrooms and documenting their sex lives for mere titillation?”

“I think,” said Sir Malcolm Clueless, in a touch of upper class English, “that they would have done what we did. Look further to see if there was evidence of intelligence leaks, blackmail, terrorist activity, that sort of thing.”

“You can’t be serious,” Marquel countered. “These agents fell upon a trove of free amateur pornography and enjoyed such. They weren’t investigating espionage.”

“Who knows what lies in the minds of men,” said the Sir.

“It’s pretty easy to imagine,” I said. “It’s also pretty easy to imagine what lies in the hands of these men,” said Marquel knowingly.

“Well I thinks that’s going a bit fast, don’t you?” he asked.

“I heard they took copies home with them,” Marquel accused.

“Well there are procedures for that,” he defended.

“I also heard that many of the people were under age,” Marquel said.

“You know,” he said, “terrorism and espionage know no age limits. These films which you call pornographic, may be filled with signals previously established, to indicate terrorist plans. As a means for communication, it couldn’t be better disguised. Your own reaction confirms it.”

“Don’t you understand that you employees are using this for their own self pleasure, titillation, and for collecting libraries of pornography of every imaginable sort, and for free!” Marquel said.

“That’s simply not true. I’ll tell you what,” he offered, “ I’ll take you into the situation room unannounced just to see how businesslike our work is performed”

We were ushered through three locked doors, opened by Sir Malcolm’s retina.

“Here you are,” he said.

The room smelled foul. There were at least forty men, one or two women, in cubicles. Many were typing away. All had their eyes glued to their screens. I heard groans.

“See,” Marquel said “what did I tell you.

“They’re working,” he said.

Marquel looked around. There were dirty tissue papers strewn about the room. The nearest man to me was a mess. It looked like…Marquel dared not say its name…it was the stain that dares not say its own name…semen stains.

Suddenly, one man shouted, “Look at this one, at least 14 inches!” Instantly, a crowd assembled around his screen amid much hooing and hawing.

“Sir Malcolm,” Marquel said, “these men are engaged in sex play, not spy play.”

“Oh, no,” he answered, “You really don’t get it. Didn’t you hear him say ’14 inches?’ “

“Well, of course, I did, and I know what it means.”

“Of course you don’t. We have devoted hundreds of hours of research. The inches are an indication of when they should communicate again. There are all sorts of key words and images which allow us to track terrorists. “Anal,” for instance means America. I tell you that with my apologies, but its not my terminology. “Missionary” means sending a terrorist squad to spread the word, so to speak. “Jizz,” a word I find mysterious, means an IED. That much we have figured out so far.”

“How in the world did you reach these conclusions.?”

“From the men in this room. They are locked here 12 hours a day. We communicate via secure lines. I hardly ever come into this room. They tell me of their progress when they made a discovery. I try to be very hands off because that is how we get the most productivity.”

“Yeah,” Marquel said, “They’re producing, all right, but its not intelligence.”

“To the contrary.” He asserted. He showed me two huge books, larger than the biggest telephone directory I’d ever seen. One was labeled “UK” and the other was “US.” “In there,” he averred,” are the finds we have made in both countries. We are flooded with terrorists. All we have to do is keep an eye on them, and these brave men and women” he continued, pointing his hand around the room,” are keeping us safe.”

I leafed through the books. They were like telephone directories, but they seemed national in scope. Hundreds and thousands of listings, with cryptic notes. I looked for a person I happened to know, my editor. There was the name, and to the right it said, “threesomes.” I looked up my mother, and can’t repeat what I found. At her age! I was sort of proud, but angry too, in a proprietary sort of way.

We left the room, to more shouts and several groans.

We said good bye to the Sir, but I couldn’t say, as I have in the past, that I felt safer. Just intensely proud of my mother. We share the same genes. I look forward to the future.

***

You may follow Marquel and his mother on Twitter and watch them all day long @MarquelatTPV.

Recommended For You

About the Author: Marquel

10 Comments

  1. Love you man. Fantastic:

    “Marquel looked around. There were dirty tissue papers strewn about the room. The nearest man to me was a mess. It looked like…Marquel dared not say its name…it was the stain that dares not say its own name…semen stains.”

  2. You’re the best. This is amazing writing. Hilarious. Best political irony in years!

  3. I have never read something so funny:

    I leafed through the books. They were like telephone directories, but they seemed national in scope. Hundreds and thousands of listings, with cryptic notes. I looked for a person he happened to know, my editor. There was the name, and to the right it said, “threesomes.” I looked up my mother, and can’t repeat what I found. At her age! I was sort of proud, but angry too, in a proprietary sort of way.

  4. Touche… We stopped having spies… Once we did have spies:

    In London he was ushered into headquarters where they insisted he watch a film about Enigma and MI6 in WWII, and the cracking of the code for the infamous Nazi encryption machine. Ticked off at having to submit to their PR, he saw an opening. “What,” he asked, “would those heroic agents have thought of going through people’s bedrooms and documenting their sex lives for mere titillation?”

  5. WOnderful!
    “From the men in this room. They are locked here 12 hours a day. We communicate via secure lines. I hardly ever come into this room. They tell me of their progress when they made a discovery. I try to be very hands off because that is how we get the most productivity.”
    “Yeah,” Marquel said, “They’re producing, all right, but its not intelligence.”

    “To the contrary.” He asserted. He showed me two huge books, larger than the biggest telephone directory I’d ever seen. One was labeled “UK” and the other was “US.” “In there,” he averred,” are the finds we have made in both countries. We are flooded with terrorists. All we have to do is keep an eye on them, and these brave men and women” he continued, pointing his hand around the room,” are keeping us safe.”

  6. I was offline the entire weekend. I asked a friend to let me read your post and we both loved it. We laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes…Fantastic…We all produce something daily, but you Marquel, you produce fantastic satire…God Bless You.

  7. Marvelous:
    The room smelled foul. There were at least forty men, one or two women, in cubicles. Many were typing away. All had their eyes glued to their screens. I heard groans.

    “See,” Marquel said “what did I tell you.

    “They’re working,” he said.

    Marquel looked around. There were dirty tissue papers strewn about the room. The nearest man to me was a mess. It looked like…Marquel dared not say its name…it was the stain that dares not say its own name…semen stains.

  8. Perfect from beginning to end. “This story was not surprising to Marquel. He has known many spies: NSA, CIA, FBI, agents, and they all fool around. But webcams are a bit more private since many of them involve consenting adults titillating each other with their images without any intention of publishing then more widely. It is just as if they were sneaking in through doors and intruding on the privacy of ordinary, and ordinarily sexually desperate, citizens.”

  9. Best explanation for 14 inches ever…Not that I have ever seen anything that long…It’s scary even to think about the possibility.
    ““Sir Malcolm,” Marquel said, “these men are engaged in sex play, not spy play.”

    “Oh, no,” he answered, “You really don’t get it. Didn’t you hear him say ’14 inches?’ “

    “Well, of course, I did, and I know what it means.”

    “Of course you don’t. We have devoted hundreds of hours of research. The inches are an indication of when they should communicate again. There are all sorts of key words and images which allow us to track terrorists. “Anal,” for instance means America. I tell you that with my apologies, but its not my terminology. “Missionary” means sending a terrorist squad to spread the word, so to speak. “Jizz,” a word I find mysterious, means an IED. That much we have figured out so far.”

  10. You’re a naughty boy, Marquel…You’re naming both your editor and your mom…naughty naughty…I guess you know you’re much loved
    “I looked for a person I happened to know, my editor. There was the name, and to the right it said, “threesomes.” I looked up my mother, and can’t repeat what I found. At her age! I was sort of proud, but angry too, in a proprietary sort of way.”

Comments are closed.