Home By Marquel The Day They Invented Old Age

The Day They Invented Old Age

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes The Useless Elderly Section correspondent, was patting his pocket copy of the Myth of Sisyphus, when he read For Some, ’Tis a Gift to Be Simple. Research shows that the older a person gets, the more happiness is derived from everyday activities, not extraordinary events. Marquel knew the government would sooner rather than later take advantage of it.

For a senior, finding a penny on a sidewalk is cause for a block party. First, because it’s a simple pleasure, and seniors like that sort of thing. Second, because seniors, especially if they’re really senior, still think a penny is big bucks. At least if it’s heads up.

If a young person even picks up a penny he’ll probably throw it away or give it to the nearest bum as if the bum should embrace him. A senior, however, will get a whole day’s activity going from one candy store to the next, not believing that there’s no such thing as penny candy anymore. Try to entertain a generation Xer for a day and see what it takes.

Marquel went down to the local social security office to see how the government was taking advantage of these new findings.

“Yes, it’s true you could file for social security now.” Said a clerk to a wheelchair bound applicant. “But have you thought about how good it’s been all these years knowing how much you’ll get? If you file now, it would take that very ordinary pleasure away from you. You’d be getting it and have nothing to look forward to. If I were you, I’d wait another five years during which you can enjoy the thought of that regular check arriving.”

The applicant seemed convinced, and wheeled away.

Marquel went to the local VA hospital to see how seniors were protected there.

“Yes, it’s true you need a bypass and hip replacement as well as dialysis. But right now we’re interested in your quality of life. Wouldn’t you rather look forward to your monthly visits, all the friends you’ve made here, instead of a futile attempt to vanquish your age with surgery? Learn to enjoy those little things. I know I look forward to seeing you every month. Do you want to trade that for surgery or do you want to continue with the wonderful daily anticipation of your visits here? I’d take the visits but it’s your choice.”

The old veteran said he enjoyed the visits and didn’t want to trade them for lifesaving surgery.

Marquel then went to the city insurance center where they handled Obamacare. A clerk was explaining the various plans.

“It’s true with the top plan everything is covered but we’ve reduced everything in our bottom plan to one service or doctor a year. That takes into account not just your physical well being but also the daily joy of waking up and knowing you have nothing scheduled. Once a year you come in for a checkup and have a whole year of undisturbed enjoyment of the little things in life. Would you like that plan?”

The elderly applicant said, “I’ve learned I don’t need much out of life. That plan sounds perfect for me.”

The clerk smiled, “Then just sign here. And good luck! How I envy your existence!”

On the spur of the moment Marquel decided to go to criminal Court to see how elders were treated by our legal system.

An old man had pleaded guilty to obstructing a bicycle lane. “Your honour,” he said, I was caught between the bikes and the buses. I just froze. ”

The judge said, “you’re obviously guilty. You can pay a fine of ten dollars or I can send you to the lock up for seven days. At your age, money probably means more than time. I suspect the little ordinary pleasures of life will be very rewarding for you. What’ll it be?”

The defendant said, “I guess your honor knows better than me. It’s true I do find just being alive a surprising pleasure at this age and that’ll be true in jail or out.”

They led him off in handcuffs. Suddenly he jerked to a stop, leaned down, and said, “A penny! A penny! This is my lucky day!” They led him off while he caressed the copper coin. I could tell he was dreaming of penny candy.

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BY MARQUEL: The Day They Invented Old Age

 

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