IMF (once) director, and noted Frenchman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn was, how do you say, perp-walked off a plane by the NYPD on May 14 as he was in the process of fleeing the U.S. All this simply because, “Around noon, a maid at the hotel [the Sofitel by Times Square] knocked on the door of Strauss-Khan’s room. After letting the maid in, Strauss-Khan allegedly threw the maid on the room’s bed and forced her to perform oral sex on him, said police sources.” Thing is, the French have a term for this type of thing: it’s called a date. ‘Non’ doesn’t mean ‘no,’ unfortunately for the unsuspecting maid, and when she walked in on our cheese-eating, IMF directing, mouth-breathing friend, it seems they both got a lot more than they bargained for.
Now we know that Times Square isn’t what it used to be in terms of getting ‘dates’–our only recent experience in Times Square has been to go to the giant Toys ‘R’ Us, where the closest thing to a prostitute is a Bratz Girl doll in a particularly revealing outfit. (Actually, that might be pretty darn close to a prostitue—we’re not too sure—and what better way for little girls learn to dress like working women? A question for another day.) Yet we have to believe that a guy paid to help lend trillions of dollars (with interest charged, bien sur) could have figured out something more sensible than attacking the help.
The conspiracy theorists will no doubt spin this into a plot hatched by Rothschilds, Kenyan black secret Muslim presidents, and wookies (you know, like Chewbacca) to keep the Dollar as the world’s reserve currency. But those types also believe that Donald Trump is sincerely interested in becoming president. The truth is that DSK was just a lonely, psychotic Frog far from home whose plane didn’t take off quickly enough to allow him to become the next Roman Polanski. Which makes us think that at least Polanski’s legacy includes a great version of Macbeth and some other fine films. All that DSK leaves us is a traumatized, raped maid, and a bunch of structurally indebted third world countries. Merci, and bon chance, buddy.