Home By Marquel Israel: Building Plans for Settlements. New settlements planned for Bergen County, NJ.

Israel: Building Plans for Settlements. New settlements planned for Bergen County, NJ.

Israel plans to announce a push for more Jewish settlements when it frees two dozen Palestinian prisoners next week,  in a move that could jeopardize N.Y-Israel relationship. New settlements are planned for Bergen County, most of north Jersey, with Governor Christie signing off on the location of Green Line extended through North America. “A lock on the 2016 presidential campaign,” said an equally obese aide.

Israel has released plans for 200,000 new settlements, the most numerous ever. But,  locating them in New Jersey seems complicated. Why not New York, the veritable home of American Jews?

“Exactly, said Bibi Netanyahu, “too many Jews. And have you seen those freaks up in Monsey? Always asking, ‘Are you Jewish? Are you Jewish?’ Of course I’m Jewish. I’m Bibi Netanyahu!”

But that sounds almost anti Semitic.

“It certainly does. That’s why it was only one factor. Have you ever taken a taxi in New York?” Asked Bibi.

Yes, we told him,  somewhat hesitant.

“And do you know why we told Barack no way to New York?”

TPV decided to take a racist stab at it, just to get on Bibi’s good side. Too many Arabs?

“You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Hey, are you Jewish? Never mind. I hate that question.”

Wait, TPV interjected. What does president Obama have to do with this?

“Are you kidding? This is his and Kerry’s Mideast solution. We get the entire West Bank, of the Hudson, and the Arabs get the whole fucking desert that we made bloom with anti aircraft rockets. And good luck to them I say.”

TPV doubted this was even possible.

“We will need a new UN resolution, that’s all. Christie gets to run for president, and we get to rename the Garden State Parkway and the New Jersey Turnpike.”


“Garden State is pretty, actually, but this will be a Jewish state. We’re not good at gardens. Were good at guilt. Yours and ours. It will be the Holocaust State Parkway. The Turnpike… Well that’s just ridiculous. Have you ever driven in Israel? We drive slowly although we want to drive fast. Too many cars, too many people, too many Jews! That’s why we mainly use our horns when we drive. Energy efficient actually. We go nowhere but make lots of noise. I think we’ll call the turnpike the New York Bypass.”

TPV considered Obama’s solution. It could work. Couldn’t it? What about all the people already living in New Jersey though?

“I think we can drive them crazy and drive them out by continually asking if they’re Jewish. They’ll likely all move to Monsey,” continued Bibi.

But still, we asked, don’t you have to ask the people already living there what they think of it?

Bibi said, “No. No. We’ve never done that.”

If you don’t like this account, go to http://nyti.ms/1cpB9MR.



  1. The photo / headline made me laugh and it got funnier from there, too many to list – good one!

  2. I found this particularly funny, : Of course I’m Jewish. I’m Bibi Netanyahu!” 

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