Vying for the pest control Pulitzer Prize award, The New York Times published: A No-Kill Approach to Feral Cat Control. Marquel, the TPVs Times Correspondent found the catch: NYC little old ladies collect cats in back yards; cats slaughter pigeons and & rare hawks.
Marquel realized he was being put to the test. Hawks or cats? “Why can’t we all just be friends?” He wailed to himself. But he’s been banging this beat too long to expect happy endings.
I went out to Brooklyn and found the first culprit. She had an entire lot fenced off and filled with feral cats. She traps them at night, has them neutered–at city expense–and then collects them. FDR collected postage stamps. Should I begrudge her the cat collection? I asked her.
“I don’t think so. I don’t think of them as postage stamps,” she said. “They’re feral, you know.”
“What does that mean exactly,” I asked.
“Technically wild but functionally not suitable as pets because they have no feeling for people.” She said. “It would be impossible to have them as pets.”
“So what the fuck are you filling up a vacant city lot with useless wild animals?” I asked. “You might as well fill up a shoebox with giant cockroaches.” She appeared displeased.
“But they’re cats. Most people love them.” She said.
“Not the way you describe them,” I said. “People like the fluffy animals that purr, let you pet them, sit on your lap, and curl up on your bed when you’re sleeping. It sounds like these animals would sooner eat you. These aren’t cats. They’re monsters and I understand they’re destroying the birds.”
“Well the idea is if we catch them and neuter them, eventually they will decrease in numbers and the birds will no longer be threatened.” She said.
“What if we catch them and kill them?” I asked, “as we always used to. That way their numbers go down instantly and the birds are instantly less threatened.”
“It’s immoral to kill cats.” She said.
“Isn’t it immoral to kill little fluffy cats, not these wildebeasts?” I wondered. “It’s like saying we should just neuter jaguars or crocodiles and then let them wander the city.”
“No they’re cats,” she said. “They’re not alligators.”
“Crocs,” I said.
“Huh?” She asked.
“I said crocodiles. You called them alligators.” I explained.
“Same thing.” She said.
“Aha!” I leapt. “They’re not the same at all. Separate species. Just the way these aren’t really cats. They’re the same species but they’ve lost all domestication. They’re not cats. Kitty cats. Not kitty cats” We weren’t getting anywhere so I went to the birds society. “What’s the deal?” I asked.
“These feral cats are a menace. They kill every species of bird they can catch, even endangered ones,” the director said. “And this neutering plan is idiocy.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a bit complicated. But take the park. It can sustain 10,000 feral cats, basically because they eat all the birds as well as mice and other small mammals.” He said. “now you take a few dozen out, those few dozen are replaced by the existing population in six weeks. In fact if you took out 5,000 of them, that 5,000 would be replaced in a few weeks. So it’s a joke.”
“But what about the argument that cats are different, sort of like Fitzgerald’s rich people, and, like dogs I guess, we have a duty to protect not kill them.” I asked.
“I think we have that duty to all wildlife and the fact is when you collect hunting animals like feral cats, you’re killing prey animals like birds, squirrels, even rabbits.” He said. That shocked me.
“They kill bunnies?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said, ” of course, they kill rab…err…bunnies.”
“Bunnies!” I repeated. They kill bunnies! That woman in Brooklyn is collecting bunny killers. I couldn’t believe it. “Tell me,” I continued, “aren’t these feral cats almost a different species? I mean, they’re not kitty cats, do you understand my distinction?”
“Well, I’m afraid they are exactly the same species but when they breed totally in the wild and have no human contact they lose all semblance of domestication. So if by kitty cat you mean domesticated cat, the answer is they are not the same. But they are the same species.” He explained.
“So if neutering part of the population doesn’t impact the total feral population in the end, and if they do nothing but threaten bunnies,…” I said.
He interrupted, “and other small mammals prey as well as birds including endangered species,” he added.
“But bunnies,” I repeated. “The very best they do is kill innocent floppy-earned bunnies'”
“Yes,” he agreed, “they do kill bunny er…rabbits. especially young ones.”
“They kill baby bunnies!” I exclaimed. “What are we going to do about them?”
“I really don’t know. There’s kind of a very vocal lobby opposed do euthanizing cats.”
“Do these people understand they kill baby bunnies?” I wondered.
“Well it sometimes gets mentioned but I must admit never with the passion you seem to feel, Mr. Marquel.” He said.
A lobby. That’s all it takes. Why don’t they lobby for bunnies? I was having trouble getting my arms around this one. A lobby. Why is there no lobby for Muslim women? Or for Mexicans? Or Somalis? I don’t see anybody collecting Muslim women, neutering them, and warehousing them in vacant lots. Nor Somalis or Mexicans. Why vicious cats?
It’s a mystery. But the answer is a lobby. I couldn’t find a bunny lobby but that’s what we need. A bunny lobby.
***
You may learn more about cats if you go on Twitter @MarquelatTPV.
TPV’s Times Correspondent
A No-Kill Approach to Feral Cat Control. NYC little old ladies collect cats in back yards; cats slaughter pigeons and & rare hawks.
what happened?
where have you been?
having too much fun with old ladies?
little old ladies?
Naughty boy!
happy to have you back!
Yeah! Big mouth is back!
This is irresistible. I’m glad to have you all back. We had terrible server problems.You almost didn’t have Marquel to kick around any more.