Labs Include Neglected Variable: Females.

Marquel, TPVs Times female affairs correspond?ent congratulated his feminism when he read the entire NY Times article, Labs Are Told to Start Including a Neglected Variable: Females. Across the board this move is going to create insuperable problems, especially with circumcision, ED, prostate research, and some transgender operations.

Marquel was embarrassed. Everyone should know simple anatomy. Not the FDA. Everything you take or do, they say, should be tested on males and females alike. Maybe I didn’t know simple anatomy? Had I missed something? Overlooked something? Was my adolescence wasted? I had devoted every waking, and many half-waking, moments, to a fruitless search?

I could wait not a moment. I went down to Virginia and meet with the FDA.

“How can you test a condom on a woman?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said, clearly waiting for the punch line. “How?”

“This is no joking mater,” I said. He stopped smiling.

“Okay, sorry,” he said. “We test female condoms on women.”

“I sort of figured that out. If you tested it on men you’d have to put it over their heads where it would do no good at all,” I said as I saw him rise to challenge me. “Well very little good.” He sat back in his chair. “But I’m concerned with the new rule that whatever you test on men, not women like the female condom, must also be tested on women. So I repeat, what about normal men’s condoms.”

“That would be physically impossible,” he said.

“Well at least,” I said, “we both know basic anatomy.” I was relieved.

“Yes well that was pretty easy,” he said.

“Okay,” I said, “what about male drugs like Viagra? The ruling seems expressly for something like that but I don’t see the point.”

“Why not?” He asked.

“Why test it on women?” I said.

“For safety” he answered.

“But who cares?” I asked. “If it’s not for women and women won’t be taking it why go to the expense of testing it? It can’t work can it? There’s nothing for it to work on.”

“Well that’s not quite true,” he said. “There is an analogous organ.”

“Everybody knows that,” I said, “but the mechanism is different. I know anatomy”

“Really,” he said, “I studied at Harvard. Where did you do your anatomy?”

“In high school” I answered. He looked triumphant and I decided to stop that right away. “Mostly in my car.” He looked so triumphant that he was about to fall over. That wouldn’t last, I knew. “And mine were very much alive. And active. What’d you study on, a corpse? Didja give it a name? It was still dead. Big difference.” He was a bit deflated.

“Nevertheless testing on women might give us new insights. There might be contraindications that are not as observable on men.” He argued.

“And indications that are infinitely more observable on men” I said triumphantly.

“Well I think we understand each other.” He said.

“I’m not so sure,” I said, “what about prostate drugs like flomax? What’s the point of testing it on women? They haven’t got a prostate! What’s the point? This is for men who can’t pee. Do you expect women to pee better?”

“Actually no.” He said, ” there’s no point except for nonobserved contraindications again.”

“So then what’s the big deal?” I asked. “Don’t you think they should just exclude drugs that aren’t intended for both genders?”

“That’s probably too broad a rule.” He said.

“Well why didn’t they make the rule more clear and specific?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said apologetically, “really.”

We said good bye. I had a headache. He could tell by looking at me.

“Here,” he said, “take this.” I looked at him in surprise. “It’s all I have,” he said.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

He smiled and said, ” it’ll work just like Advil. “

“In that case,” I said, “I’ll take two.”

I went home. The headache went away. The Midol worked great.

***

BY MARQUEL

Labs Includ Neglected Variable: Females.