Home Rufus Davis Letter To Tim Tebow. From His Biggest Fan

Letter To Tim Tebow. From His Biggest Fan

 Whatup, Tim.

First, thanks for all the props. Starting each interview with “First, I’d like to thank my Lord and savior Jesus Christ,” really hits the spot. And the regular genuflecting on the sideline? Same for that. Pointing up to me after a good play? Also nice. Hey, I died for your sins (although aside from your erratic delivery I’m having trouble finding any—seriously, dude!), so it’s the least you can do, right?.

Now about this past week—I sorta fell down on you there, I know. And against the Pats, too. Rough stuff. Sorry, but you still have to admit I gave you a pretty good run with all those come from behind victories. I’ve had some complaints from the teams you beat, though, that I hate them or something. But it’s not fair to put it that way, when with us it’s just a really strong case of deity/quarterback bromance. Besides, if the Bears are going to complain that I hate them just because I came through with that win for you, they should go back and take a look at what I could be doing.

What about the Cleveland teams? And I’m not just talking about football. I’ve been screwing with them for so long it seems like there should be a book in the Bible about it. I can’t even remember what the people of Cleveland did to piss me off so much. I feel like I should have gotten it out of my system with the whole Lebron thing, but at this point it’s almost fun to see their frustration. No need to even mention the Indians and the frustration I cause for them. Might be worth it for that team to consider when the last time was that they had a player who went out of his way to demonstrate the faith you show to me. Look, the fact is, if you don’t give you don’t get. Feels good to put them in their place. Not very Christlike (melike?) of me, is it?

And if you want to see me really get down on some people, look outside of sports. Anthony Weiner? With a name like that, how did you think I was going to cause trouble for him? I’m a poetic guy. And how about the Jews in general? Does it ever look like I’m a fan of theirs? History, buddy. But you won’t make their mistakes—after all this time I’m not even expecting them to pay homage to me the way you do, buddy. Kids in Africa? Don’t get me started. Forget about helping them score touchdowns, I won’t even grant them a sandwich.

So look, I know the Patriots thing is still a downer, and I have say that it’s not you, it’s me. You’re doing great—I mean, you could go down onto both knees from now on after a touchdown instead of just one, and maybe instead of just your first sentence start each one with a ‘thank you’ to me, but I’m appreciative. Those are just suggestions, I don’t want you to make it look like you’re being ostentatious about your faith or anything. Having a guy like you in my corner is just what I need in times like these. The whole Patriots thing—well, look, it wasn’t entirely in my hands. I can’t go too much into it, but Coach Belichik? Let’s just say I usually call him ‘dad.’ You should probably keep that to yourself, though, and just continue thanking me. We’ll get ’em next week.

Your Guy,

J.C.

1 COMMENT

  1. Mitt Romney was able to tap his bailed-out baenkr buddies on Wall Street to the tune of 10 million dollars in one day. In fact, Romney raised 10 million dollars in one day a couple of weeks ago from well-heeled party bigwigs and Wall Street insiders, many of whom ponied up the legal maximum of $2,500 per person (or $5,000 per couple). Just saying…

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