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Charmed, I’m Sure

Video_Iraq_Falluja__501362aMarquel, TPVs NYTimes Western charm correspondent was recently making love, when he read

Choosing Rebels Over Army, Iraqis Head Home. A

s many as 500,000 Iraqis fled Mosul after a militant group swarmed the city, many of them Sunnis who seemed less fearful of the group than their own government.

 

Marquel read that the Islamic republic of Syria and Iraq, the militant group invading Iraqi cities, is so violent it was “thrown out of al Qaeda.” Cool! Now Marquel doesn’t like violence. He doesn’t even beat his children. Not even his wife. But you have to respect excellence in any field. The Islamic Republic got thrown out of Al Qaeda! Because it’s too violent!

I went to Queens where several IRSI supporters are holed up. They are both named Mohammed, so that’s how I’ll identify them. I mean why impose my Western values on them by calling them Mohammed I and Mohammed II, or Manny and Moe. It was Mohammed, and his comrade in arms, Mohammed.

When I entered the room they offered me tea. I was pretty sure that you’re supposed to accept anything they give you with obvious pleasure, even if it were one of those Dunkin Donut coffee boxes. So I accepted with obvious glee, because I was glad it didn’t come in a box.

Then they both sat cross legged on the floor. That was trouble because when I try to sit cross legged my butt stays off the ground. I wondered if that would insult them. Or whether I could even hold that position very long.

“I heard you guys are too tough for Al Qaeda,” I started out.

“That was a misunderstanding,” said Mohammed.

“In what way?” I asked.

“In order to stay in practice,” he said, “we have to do one beheading a week. It’s nothing personal. But you have to keep your skills. You have no idea, absolutely no idea , how odious a bad beheading can be.”

“No but I can imagine. Even a good beheading has an odious air.” I suggested.

“You’re so wrong. It is a thing of beauty when performed correctly.” Said Mohammed.

Mohammed interrupted, “At the time we were thrown out, we were camping together.”

“And they didn’t want to be around your practice beheadings?” I asked.

“No, they respect our ways.” Said Mohammed, “but we thought it would be better to use them as victims instead of our own colleagues.”

“It would certainly help your esprit de corps,” I remarked.

“But it damaged out relationship. The third Al Qaeda guard we beheaded,” he said, “was too much for them. That’s when they made that statement about our violence.”

“And they threw you out?” I wondered.

“Yes,” said Mohammed, “physically, one by one. We may be more violent, but they are larger and stronger. Each of us landed in a pile outside camp. Someone landed every thirty seconds. It was like a Popeye movie, that was all I was able to think.”

Mohammed added, “That’s when the story came out that we were too violent. A reporter was there and he saw us flying and was told by one of the guys doing the throwing, that we were too violent for them. It was all a misunderstanding.”

So why are the people welcoming you in the northern cities like Mosul” I asked.

“It is true that we are violent,” said Mohammed.

“In the name of Allah,” interrupted Mohammed.

“Yes,” said Mohammed, “in the name of Allah. But we are also charming. It is very cute how you sit with your butt in the air.”

“Thank you,” I said, “but why are you so charming?” I questioned.

“We all have to take a course in winning friends and influencing people,” he said, ” and a major part of our budget. That Dale Carnegie was an American genius.”

“You take a Dale Carnegie course?” I asked.

“Not officially for it is illegal for them to teach us. But we have the book.” He said.

” So the people like you,” I remarked.

“We are charming,” he emphasized.

“They don’t mind the danger or threat of beheadings?” I wondered.

“Not that much,” Mohammed said, “we are our most charming then. We found things go much more smoothly. Thank you, please, you know. We even had a victim who thanked us.”

“After he was beheaded?” I asked, stunned.

“Well, it’s difficult to say. He was still saying  ‘you’ as I held his head. He was very charming.”

I was afraid of their weekly beheadings and didn’t dare ask when the last one had occurred, so I just said I had to get back to the newsroom. I lurched forward, in the same position as cross legged but I was standing. I don’t know how they do it. They saw me to the door and waved little baby waves at me through the window as I walked down Queens Boulevard. Very charming, scary, violent, and…nuts. Maybe it was a mistake not to try Westernizing them a bit. Then again 4400 Americans died trying that in our longest war. Maybe we should all have gone to charm school first. They say Dale Carnegie was an American genius.

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BY MARQUEL: Charmed, I’m Sure

4 COMMENTS

  1. Charming indeed – I liked: It was like a Popeye movie, that was all I was able to think.”

    Regarding the wife and kids, have you considered verbal abuse? I’m afraid to try beating too – we’re not in a tent, 4th floor, it would be more like Road Runner when she threw me out.

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