New G.O.P. Bid to Limit Voting in Swing States. Black Districts to vote at local zoos

The New York Times finally got it right: New G.O.P. Bid to Limit Voting in Swing States. Marquel, though, got the nuances: White districts to vote at three star restaurants, high end department stores, and golf courses.

The south is in turmoil as Republicans engineer victories by making voting hard for Blacks. Technically of course it is illegal to treat different races differently especially with regard to the fundamental voting rights of Americans. But Republicans have their own peculiar view of illegality so TPV sent it’s most peculiar reporter, Marquel, to investigate.

It wasn’t hard to get an interview with the Republican chief of voting rights. It’s almost as if they view each interview as a practice round in honing their duplicity.

I first asked, “is it true that you are going to have voting machines at the public zoos?”

“True? Of course it’s true. Admission to the zoo is free on Tuesdays which happens to be election day, right? In one zoo we put there hundred machines to ensure, I repeat ensure, that all of our black brothers and sisters can vote freely, easily, and enjoyably. “

“Well I was just at the local zoo,” I said, “and those machines are located quite eccentrically.”

“Mr.Marquel, there will always be naysayers, but this time you can’t argue with three hundred machines for little over a few thousand voters,” he reminded me.

“In the snake room? INSIDE the snake room?” I wondered with amazement. “I counted fifteen machines inside the lions cage. There were eight machines at the bottom of the polar bear pool.”

“Are you going to repeat the old racial stereotype,” he asked, “about blacks being unable to swim?”

No,” I said, “if anything I’m repeating the old stereotype about polar bears eating people in the process of voting underwater.”

“Let me point out that we’ve spent more time making voting accessible than any other district in the country. We have the biggest ratio of machines to voters in the entire country, and we’ve ensured that access is open to all.” He said with a self satisfied smile. “That’s what the law requires and that’s what we’ve done. In spades, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

“You know very well that choosing a zoo with wild animals makes a joke of those laws,” I objected.

“I know no such thing. These are Afro Americans. Afro, as in Africa. These animals are pets to them even if they scare you and me,” he said. “Where’s your cultural sensitivity?”

“I’ll tell you where it probably is,” I said angrily, “somewhere in the alligator pond where one of them tried to bite my ass off while looking over one of twenty machines in that little pond. The animals are not happy.”

“Aha!” He exclaimed, “you’re more concerned with the animals than the voters. You must be a PETA freak.”

“No I’m more concerned that some angry hungry animals are going to find more democrats than republicans in their cages” I said.

“Well we don’t deny that blacks tend to vote democratic. I’d think you would congratulate us on making such preparations for voters who will probably vote against us.” He asserted.

“I don’t think there’s going to be much turnout at those zoos,” I said.

“Well they do have,” he answered, “an historically low voter turnout rate.”

“I suppose that’ll be your excuse. ‘Blacks vote at record low levels. Puff adders appear well fed for the first time in decades.’ ”

“Mr. Marquel, you’re being an alarmist” he said calmly.

“Okay then,” I said, “let’s talk about district 21 next door. You have machines in all three country clubs, in all four of the best restaurants in town, the French, Italian, Continental, and the upgrade Greek place, a machine in each Marriott suite in town, and two machines at each hole in the three private golf courses, but not one at the public course. You also have machines on every floor of the Neiman Marcus, Bergdorf, and Bloomingdale branches, and they’re open way later than the zoo.”

“Count them.” He asserted, “eighty machines compared to three hundred. You can’t argue with the numbers.”

“I can argue with their accessibility. Voting machines in Marriott suites.” I said, “what’s that all about anyway?”

“That’s somewhat delicate but it’s a legitimate concern. We find a lot of the voters in this precinct…”

“White voters, you mean,” I interrupted.

“Yes if course,” he agreed, “they don’t always spend their weeknights with their wives. We may not agree with their morality but they have a right to vote.”

“In the middle of an assignation?” I asked, “tell me does the assignee get to vote also?”

“If they live in the district although we estimate that many of them will have voted at the zoo.” He asserted.

“Will have tried,” I corrected him, “to vote at the zoo.”

“Whatever,” he said with resignation. “It’s always hard to please everyone all the time even when you make voting easy for all.”

I felt resigned too. “So tell me, “I asked, “where are you going to vote?”

“That’s kind of funny,” he said. ” I actually live in the next district. Theoretically I should vote at the zoo.”

“But?”

“We put one machine by the train station next to the bootblacks. So I’ll be voting with a fresh shine, and with my black brothers and sisters. I’ll tip them of course. Always do.”

“Your black brothers and sisters?” I wondered. He nodded. “Sounds like a pretty damned dysfunctional ‘family’ to me.” I continued.

I went home wondering which of my siblings I could comfortably tip and decided any of them would take free funds from me but not one of them nor all together, would ever shine my shoes. That’s what moms do.

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To vote, go to @MarquelatTPV and wonder. TPV will thank you @ThePotholeView.