Pentagon Officials Say They’re Willing to Assume Risks of a Reduced Army. Blunderbusses will be standard issue. Swords and scabbards major investment.

While The New York Times reports that: Pentagon Officials Say They’re Willing to Assume Risks of a Reduced Army, Marquel, TPV’s Crack Times correspondent sees things slightly differently: Gruel to be prepared every day. Buddy system adopted to prevent lost soldiers.

In a massive step backwards the army has decided to reject the Rumsfeld Doctrine and, instead, to want the army they go to war with and go to war with the one they want. And to have the army they want. And want no more than the army they have. Gen. Richard Booth observed that,

the Rumsfeld Doctrine is much easier to say than the anti Rumsfeld one, But that doesn’t make it better. Ours will be a much more likable army, even we will like it, making it that much harder for the enemy to pull the trigger.

This scaling back has put the military industrial complex in a bind. No more$500 toilet seats, but in the massive conversion (from military to civilian) effort foreseen, the greater numbers of people at the very top of the economy well serve as a perfect market for overpriced military items.

Remington has announced that it can manufacture 100 blunderbusses for the price of an M14, meaning that each soldier will probably receive several standard issue long guns, which is advantageous because they are single shot.

The removal of the bayonet, which is hardly ever used any more, will be cushioned by the issuance of swords and scabbard which price out at slightly more than the bayonet, But, as Gen. Booth said, “will help build esprit de corps and a sense of honor.”

The major change is the posting of troops in homes all across America. With such a small army, the bases will almost all be closed and soldiers spread around the countryside. Carrying their blunderbusses and swords, they may be a pretty sight for awakening fair haired maidens all across America, the Beautiful.

But what of military strategy. Changes are in the works. “No more sneaking up on the enemy,” said Gen. Adequate, Chief of Planning. “We won’t have enough for backup. We’ll all go in at once. It’s more macho that way anyhow. And we won’t be able to surround our adversaries anymore because we would run out of men and the enemy could escape wherever the giant hole appears.”

Naval forces will be similarly reduced and most ships will be singly manned, except for aircraft carriers. Cruisers, picket ships, supply craft, and submarines will just have a captain.

“It will not be difficult,” said Rear Adm. Waves, “to adapt. In a submarine or destroyer the captain steers just like you do your car. How many people help you drive and park? Same with a destroyer. Submarines too except they go up and down, But it’s all gradual just like a fighter plane. The pilot goes up, down, all around. No problem. Our captains will really be the captains of their ships.

Aircraft carriers are the exception because of the plane traffic. Each carrier will have but one crew member, the captain. But because of the plane traffic, there will be a platoon of TSA agents to handle security, x Ray machines, luggage searches, and the occasional random pat down.

In fact, if the Obama administration has its way there will be far more TSA agents than soldiers, sailors, and seamen. The Administration forecasts a total military of 300 men and women, while the ranks of the TSA will swell to 1,500,000. The president commented,

“National Security, you know,” and then did a riff on Larry David, saying, “Verrry important.”

What of the military academies? All three will be moving, and will be located at three former barber shops, one in New York, one in Colorado, and one in Maryland. The Coast Guard Academy is bring merged with the French Culinary Institute in lower Manhattan where all coasties will learn to tie fines herbs as well as bowlines. It is anticipated that that coast guard academy well be the most competitive of the academies because they will get two uniforms, both military and culinary.

There are voices heard in opposition, like for instance the republicans, who complain that employment will take a big hit. But proponents point out that converting to black powder alone will cause a greater increase in employment. And black powder also goes with fireworks so that Fourths of July may have less soldiers but many more cloverleafs and raining roses.

What of gays in the new streamlined almost invisible armed services. Colonel Z. Shashay, newly appointed commander of gay operations, says,

“this is like heaven for us. We’re going back to Don’t tell Don’t ask, because there will be few if any instances of one soldier seeing another during his tour of duty. It could just as well be don’t see don’t tell because they’ll never see each other. Problem solved.”

But what if, God forbid, there is a war? Will 300 soldiers be enough to defend us? That has been solved by heroic diplomatic efforts. Agreements have been reached with all east Asian nations, as well as recently added Ukraine, to send their forces to us when we need them in exchange for removing our troops from their territory.

“Sweet deal!” Obama was heard to say in a burst of enthusiasm.

***

You may follow Marquel on Twitter @MarquelatTPV and learn about his brilliant mind faster than he can write an article. Tweets are much shorter than English words.