The Presbyterian Church of America confirmed at their annual congress that they would divest themselves of investments in companies that provide equipment to Israel, including U.S. companies such as Caterpillar. Surprising even the most vocal supporters of divestment, however, a splinter group of Presbyterians (there were scattered reports that they were actually Methodists, but these could not be confirmed) succeeded in forcing the church to take further action.
Among the most immediate steps will be the arming of Palestinian militias undertaken directly by members of the church. Starting next week ministers will oversee transfers of light and heavy weaponry to Hamas and Islamic Jihad in both the West Bank and Gaza. A large container ship has been chartered and will set sail from Norfolk with several dozen tanks and other hardware for the formation of the first armored battalion of the Presbyterian trained and backed PLO army, nicknamed ‘The Fighting Jew Crushers.’
“Frankly, the time has come to put those uppity kikes in their place,” said Chief Presbyterian Minister and 3rd Armored Brigade Commander Franklin at the congress. “The idea that these Jews have a right to live without imminent threat of random attacks in their cities is absurd, and we intend to set them straight. Until Jewish blood flows like rivers through the streets of Tel Aviv, we will not rest. Not everyone knows it, but we Presbyterians have lot of fight in us.”
Donning a white cloak and pointed white hat, Franklin pointed out,
“There’s been a lot of talk of divestment recently, but we don’t want to just go through the motions with our Palestinian friends. We really see ourselves as equal partners in the struggle. When they promise to drive the Jews into the sea we know that we can help make that dream a reality. Jesus said turn the other cheek, but he also said one good suicide bomber is worth a thousand toothless Bible verses—and you should see the stockpile of high explosive we have. Can’t wait to see some of that where it belongs: buses, restaurants, schools…”
Presbyterian commandos are currently working in the West Bank and Gaza advising Arab fighters on how to kidnap Israeli children. Overnight two eight year old girls were captured as they slept in suburban Tel Aviv. The Church’s communication officer and minister of propaganda informed the Israeli government that the deadline to surrender Jerusalem to the Palestinian Authority is June 30. Should that not happen, Bishop (and head of special forces) Charlie Robbins, stationed in Ramallah, will oversee the execution of the two girls before exploding himself on a commuter bus.
BY RUFUS DAVIS
OPPORTUNISM: Presbyterians Divest From Israel; Prepare to Mount Military Campaign