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Public Hospitals Hope to Attract More Upscale Patients Under Affordable Care Act. Marquel, TPVs Times correspondent, Has the Scoop

MetroPlus, a popular plan on New York’s health exchange, is the insurance company of New York City’s public hospital system. It hopes to attract a better class of invalid by upscaling the public hospitals.

“First thing we’ve gotta do,” said Siobhan O’Reilly, MetroPlus vice president for marketing, “is get beds in those rooms. Rich people like beds. Poor people will sleep anywhere as long as the roof isn’t leaking. Which reminds me we have to fix those leaks.”

TPV asked how that would attract rich patients.

“There’s more,” he added. “First, we need doctors. No more medical students. That’ll make a difference. And needles. Only new ones from now on.”

We asked, “You reuse needles?”

I know it sounds funny but in these neighborhoods they’re used to that even before they get to the hospital. And we wash them all. In fact we have special workers for that. Drug addicts who know their way around needles and also about washing. Most of them are Mexicans who wash dishes in restaurants. After work they come here to give our needles a good scrubbing.

TPV was speechless.

“We also need prescription drugs. Generally we use aspirin. Sometimes Advil or Motrin but a higher class of sickies will want fancy medicines. Prescription items, you know,” said O’Reilly.

TPV mentioned that these changes were good but would just bring them up to that of a normal hospital, surely nothing special.

“Oh, I know that,” continued O’Reilly, “and we’re prepared to go fancy. Upscale. We’re going to have espresso bars.”

TPV asked whether some hospitals already have that.

“Really?” He asked. “In the operating rooms? Oh did I tell you we’re putting in operating rooms?”

TPV asked if that were it.

Heavens no. We plan, eventually, on real nurses. No more beautician school students. They’re good but legally we can’t even call them nurses. Licensing, you know. Also, wheel chairs. Carrying people out in a real chair always struck me as labor intensive.

Yes, we had to agree with that. Anything really new in addition to all this?

Certainly. I think our biggest fiscal challenge will be to start paying claims. Our quota has always been 100%, that it’s, deny 100% of claims. But rich people expect to get something for their money and they’ll see it’s a classy place when we start paying some of their claims. It’s like getting paid to get sick! They’ll love it!

So how much will the quota be?

Well, we’re starting at paying 10% of claims. I think they’ll be standing on line to get in.

TPV noted that there are already long lines at all the public hospitals.

Yes but this’ll be a line of a higher class of people,” smiled O’Reilly.

Yes, TPV thought, they’ll love it.

The Times believes this racket will go a long way, too. Read here. TPV agrees, especially when Marquel discovered what caused this revolution: [youtube id= PuIWxq6Sdkc width= 470 height=315]




  1. Typo question: Our quota has always been 100%, that it’s, deny 100% of claims.

    should it be “…that is, deny 100%…” ?

  2. your photo gave me a great idea: let’s have an asylum built in Central Park. That’s something really rich people would certainly like!

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