Real Communist Mouthpiece Rages Against Fake Communist Mouthpiece

In a statement that read as if it were a self-parody, People’s Daily demanded “immediate rectification” from a Twitter account that pokes fun at state-sponsored media, Marquel, TPVs Times Sinology correspondent, dug out the details.

Marquel thought this suspicious. He didn’t believe the People’s Daily, a respected organ of dissent from such policies as democracy, human rights, equality, feminism, and two child families, among other things, would do something so demonstrably stupid. Someone was screwing around with the record.

And their target was a two bit internet operation called internal organs. Marquel know a lot about two bit internet operations, especially the satirical kind, and he was confident that the Chinese higher ups were too busy with their fortunes, their misbehaving kids (numbering well over two per family), and especially their mistresses (also numbering, well… well well over two per family). Especially on the weekend when rich fat Chinese dictators spend all their time with their richening, fattening, mistresses, learning new “bourgeois” positions. Marquel had been privy to these Chinese customs due to a particular restaurant he patronized on Bayard Street. The latest position, in fact the position announced by the People’s Daily to learn this past weekend, was the “Capitalist Pig,” which is apparently as fun as it sounds (though slightly trayfe, but I’m not sure kosher strictures apply to sexual positions).

In any event Marquel went down to Bayard Street to straighten this all out. “What’s this internal organs deal?” I asked.

“It’s a two bit internet operation. People Daily has nothing to concern itself. Did you know this week is Capitalist Pig?” said my contact.

“Actually, I did know that,” I said, “but what’s that got to do with the story?”

“It’s a really complicated position. It would take an afternoon to learn it. If you have four mistresses, that’s essentially four days. Which is too long because these guys all like to show they know the new position first thing Monday mornings.”

“So you’re saying these guys couldn’t possibly have had the time or inclination with a two bit twitter account?” I asked.

“Not in a million dynasties,” he told me. “No, somebody wanted to distract them or embarrass them. Somebody who knows Chinese culture, our ways, habits, and beliefs.”

“Like somebody like your patrons here,” I said innocently.

“Exactly,” he said, eyeing me suspiciously.

“But what would they gain?” I asked.

“You, we, may be looking at this from the wrong angle,” he said.

I could see it in his eyes. Time to be inscrutable! “How do you see it?” I asked.

“Well, maybe we should be looking at this little tweeter account instead of the People’s Daily,” he said.

“Okay, then,” I said, “what would they have to gain? ”

“Think about it. Did you ever hear about them before?” He asked.

“Not a whisper,” I assured him.

“There you have it. Unknown twitter account goes from nothing to international incident.” He continued, “they’d have reason to hack and send a false twitter.”

My man was majestically inscrutable. What a mind. He had almost cracked this case. But first I had to speak to internal organs themselves.

Next day I was back in Bayard Street with a contact at internal organs. “What’s the deal,” I asked. “What would make the People’s Daily pay attention to you all of a sudden?”

“I suppose we became too much for them.” He said rather immodestly.

“Too much? How could you be too much. Didn’t you know this is Capitalist Pig Weekend?” I demanded.

“No, what’s that?” He confessed.

“You’re serious?” I asked. “You never saw the weekend assignments that they post for the oligarchs? The sexual positions they are to learn each weekend and teach their mistresses, of which they have far more than two per family? And this week was the Capitalist Pig position, reputably the hardest of all? And last week, the Berlusconi bunga bunga, which requires three participants?”

“No. I believe either you’re kidding,” he said, insultingly, “or you’re seriously misinformed… maybe disinformed.”

“I don’t think you really read the People’s Daily,” I said.

“Well I don’t think you know your sexual positions,” he said. Those were fighting words and he knew it. I looked at him with flaming eyes. “I take that back,” he said, ” I’m sure you know the Capitalist Pig perfectly. And the Berlusconi bunga bunga.”

“That’s not the point,” I said, “the point is that they didn’t do this and that leaves you.”

“I’m afraid not,” he charged. “We didn’t start this. Just because we don’t follow Chinese sexual proclivities doesn’t mean we were stupid enough to hack their twitter account.”

“Well then,” I said cagily, “who do you think did it?”

“I wouldn’t know,” he said, “perhaps some other small operation looking to grow and thought it could bootstrap itself onto this controversy.” I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. My contact also was looking at me fishily. I left the restaurant.

That night I received a twit from the People’s Daily saying they wanted to see my twitter records. I went on the internet to see what they were reporting. It announced the prime minister had successfully mastered the Capitalist Pig, demonstrating to his entire cabinet, and that next week’s position would be something called The Pothole View.  A coincidence, I assumed. I looked at the diagrams. I had a new-found respect for those oligarchs and their female friends.

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For more Capitalist Pig flavor, go to @ThePotholeView. For more flavor go to @MarquelatTPV.

TPVs CORRESPONDENT

Real Communist Mouthpiece Rages Against Fake Communist Mouthpiece