Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Africa Section correspondent, was taking his temperature the other day when he read Tuberculosis Is Newer Than What Was Thought, Study Says. An analysis said that the disease originated in Africa less than 6,000 years ago, and that it was carried across the Atlantic by seals. Marquel read the article scandalized. Seals! Little baby seals! Bringing TB to the New World. Marquel felt like marching straight down Fifth Ave with a sign saying something like, “Justice For Seals!”
And as adept as seals are at twirling things on their noses, was it possible to do that with TB all the way across the Atlantic? Little baby seals, no.
I went over to the American Museum of Natural History where I high-fived Dr Neil de Grasse, and went to the African section. The expert there knew everything. Including everything about Africa.
“How is it possible to bring TB from Africa to North America using seals? Isn’t it more likely the Vikings did it?” I wondered.
“That is a possibility,” he said, “but there is no evidence to support it.”
“What kind of evidence?” I wondered.
“Vikings with TB.” He answered.
“No Vikings with TB?” I asked.
“Nope, but we did find seal skeletons revealing TB.”
“In Africa?” I asked.
“A few but mostly Newfoundland.” He said pointedly.
“That just shows seals got TB in Canada,” I said. “That can happen. Did you find a circus?”
“What do you mean?” He said
“A circus. I think some Africans had a circus and went on the road with it. They got to the New World, put on the circus and infected their own animals.”
“No record,” he said, “of Africans crossing the Atlantic until Columbus.”
“So scratch the circus hypothesis.” I said.
“You really like seals don’t you?” He asked.
“Especially the little babies.” I confessed.
“Me too. This isn’t their fault. Somebody gave it to them in Africa.” He said.
“So somebody was fooling around with them in Africa. I could do that. They’re so cute.” I said.
“Me too.” He said. “We found what was essentially a cemetery in Newfoundland.” He said “Infected seals, tools, implements, and knives used in Africa for female circumcision. That’s astounding. The practice never really reached these shores until extremely recently and yet there are the tools. Coffee?”
“Sure, thanks,” I said.
We sat lazily drinking our coffee, each immersed in seal thought.
“I’ve got it. They did those female circumcisions by the ocean, right?” I said, wildly guessing.
“The coastal tribes, ” he said, “yes.”
“Here’s what happened. The seals witnessed it. They’re highly sentient. They took the tools to stop the practice and went in the ocean, balancing the tools on their snouts. Across the Atlantic they went, saying in seal, ‘pass it on’ as they travelled and passing it from one seal pod to the next. They wanted to put as much distance between the tools and the Africans as possible. In Newfoundland they landed and left the tools but in the process à few got infected with TB. Fit the evidence?” I questioned.
“Well yes,” he said, “in a way. Except for the ‘pass it on’ “
“Evidence against the ‘pass it on?’ “
“None at all.” He said.
“Then hypothesis confirmed.” I said.
“Confirmed is too strong. Let’s call it second possible hypothesis.”
“Deal” I said.
“Deal,” he insisted, shaking my hand.
Outside his lab I ran into de Grasse again. He looked worried.
“Oh God, you’re not doing an exposé on us, are you?”
“Not at all, Neal,” I said, “I was just working on a new hypothesis with your Africa man. He’s really sharp.”
“Thanks,” he said.
“Not at all,” I said, “we just saved seals from a slander. Did you know he likes seals?”
“I don’t hire anybody who doesn’t,” he answered.
“Good policy,” I said as we high fived again.
***
BY MARQUEL: A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
Fun. FUn. Fun. Baby seals.
so adorable and so deadly
marvelous fluff
wonderful
TB or not TB.. I love you Marquel
You’re faster in spreading the news that the Times and more interesting… When shall we have Marquel Times?