In an attempt to redefine impeachable grounds of high crimes and misdemeanors, at the UN, President Trump, @therealDonald, came up with this definition for the world:
How more clear do I have to say this: I want out of the White House? Trump was heard bemoaning.
Indeed, Congress, when are you going to let the man off the hook? How much more damage does he need to do to our country before he is dismissed?
***
By DANA NEACSU: High Crime and Misdemeanor: Reducing US to Mar-a-Lago
President Donald Trump used the word “shithole” to describe foreign countries “not once, but several times” , Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois who attended the sole White House bipartisan meeting told TPV today.
“Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” Trump said.
Indeed, why should anybody but TPV? We are the land of holes, so why not us?
Having taking the criticism to heart,TPV realized it needed a plan. If we take every foreign shithole resident, we would need to expand, so someone had to start accepting shithole Americans. So, TPVreached out to the Scandinavian countries, and asked them if they would accept people from America, such as the Trumps, and the answer was swift.
Norwegians, for instance, drive U.S.-made Tesla electric cars. We engage in green economy, so anybody supporting our planet Earth is welcome. On the other hand hate-filled, vile, and racist people of all creeds are not welcome, those can go the your White House.
And that’s where shitholes currently reside, which puts TPV back to square one.
Rather than influence global politics, Trumps has chosen to be influenced by foreign rules and mores, even religion.
His latest interest is in Hinduism, or ism, as the Don refer to it for lack of a better word.
Our President explained to his fans that he would support Hindu as state-sponsored religion, especially during winter in the former British colonies which went for Crooked Hilary.
In Hindu, menstruating women are considered toxic — if they enter a temple, they pollute it; if they handle the family’s food, everyone becomes sick; if they touche a tree, that tree never bears fruit. Women should be forced to sleep away from men when they are useless, or impure.
TPV reminded the President that he was referring to only one misogynistic, even gruesome, practice, which is called chhaupadi, or “tree omen”: recently a woman died having asphyxiated after building a small fire inside a hut, or a large card-box, to keep warm.
I favor menstruating women trudging outside at night to bed down with cows or goats in tiny, rough, grass-roofed huts and sheds. Then they will learn what being raped by intruders or dying from exposure to the elements really means.
When TPV pointed out that the President was unnecessarily dsytopian in his fantasies, because there were very few grass-roofed huts and sheds in the United States, he offered to have his adult sons charged with building them.
HUD could hire my sons, Eric and Don, Jr to build those huts. The Trump has a well-recorded history of being builders. Then women would learn their lesson and appreciate me, the quintessential Trump. We need to end feminism as we know it. A Hindu feminism is more appropriate for our current lack of democracy.
Looking at Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Ivanka Trump, and the other skirt-wearing people fanning Don, Sr., we might be witnessing a Hindu feminism already.
Unfortunately, people did not take Ivanka’s words as a fashion comment: Ivanka watches the Golden Globe Awards; Ivanka is not a racist, she likes Oprah; or Ivanka can type tweets to her personal assistant. Instead, people saw this comment to ask her meaningful questions, as if she were more than a “dumb brick.”
Eight actresses sick of their spouses, the loved or tolerated significant other, or just “not in a relationship” brought gender and racial justice activists as their guests to the Golden Globe Awards Sundayevening.
When asked why, TPV was told this was part of an effort to shift the focus back on survivors and solutions, and away from perpetrators of sexual misconduct. Some said that feeling guilty that they had not been hit on, Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, Emma Watson, Susan Sarandon, and Amy Poehler took the lead in escorting the activists to the night out.
Surprised by the sudden attention, the advocates, said,
Oh, my god! The Moet Chandon Champagne, the selfies, the sudden free clothes rental, all of it was just a blast. Thank you Hollywood! Please keep up the work so even we, the unseen part of the feminist movement, can bathe in attention every century or so.
While the initiative vowed support for women in the entertainment business and beyond, from janitors to health care workers, the only janitors in attendance were the ones at work.
Oh Sarah, here we go again
I can’t get past the pain of what you try to say to me
I’m too old now to learn what you are trying to say
every single time you move your lips,
falsehoods is a euphemism so dear to you, so dear to you.
You call them mistakes.
But I’m not going to waste my time or the country’s time talking about the fantasy you are promoting.
You must have liked Liz Smith a lot.
I wish you got your tabloid gossip not from your job.
But I agree with you, it is all too sad, and pathetic.
and scary, as you help a demented moron move the country closer to the ground.
I won’t run away just like I always do. I’ll ask you to do.
Unless you tell me now
Before you go why you did it. Was it the only offer?
Wish you’d speak the words those eyes of yours are trying to say.
Wish you’d speak the words those eyes of yours are trying to say.
On January 9th, a new book will hit the book stands. Melania T. believes those will be the bargain fiction stands. Wishful thinking.
Trump’s intricate though not profound masterpiece — his American presidency — has been rendered even triter by Michael Wolff’s The Fire and the Fury. It is something that resembles a less than insipid description of the decline and fall of the American democracy at the and of this decade. While Wolff attempts to recreate Trump’s impressionistic style and baroque structure, he fails to give the viewer any story or characters to care about.
Trump does not play himself, the fast declining pater familias, whose mental health problems make him unable to express himself in anything other than an ursine tweeted roar, and that creates confusion. In Wolff’s book, Bannon plays Trump. In Trump’s tweets, the reader is allowed into his mind of course, but in Wolff’s book we must figure out Trump from Bannon’s outsider position. In keeping the reader up with the story, it just about works, but of the feelings churning within Trump’s big frame, we are left largely ignorant.
The same can be said of the characters afforded actual dialogue: Ivanka and Ivanka’s husband, referred to only as the token Jew. The patriarch of the Trump clan, as played by Bannon, speaks only in the briefest platitudes (“I love each and every one of you though you failed to make me proud of you”). The token Jew uses screeds of Breitbartian sturm und drang (“victory is just an illusion unless the 666 building remains in the family”). Why, we’re not really sure.
All in all, TPVwon’t buy the book, but it surely gives it two fingers up, fingers aimed at its characters: the middle fingers.
***
By DANA NEACSU: The Sound of Fire and the Fury: Book Review
In the new year, the only compensation most of us will get is Trump’s over-compensation. It won’t be monetary. Most likely nuclear. Which brings us to the main question:
Has anybody had enough of this Trump putz?
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson apparently has, but, inadvertently he was caught crouching under Donald J. Trump’s Oval Office desk on Wednesday, in an attempt to disconnect Trump’s newly installed nuclear button, whose size, unfortunately has made it the envy of Trump’s little fingers.
Next on line to attempt the feast are Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, and the national-security adviser H. R. McMaster.
Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), the longest-serving Republican senator, announced Tuesday he will retire at the end of the year. The move opens the door to a likely run for the Utah seat by former GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney.
“Every good fighter knows when to hang up the gloves. And for me, that time is soon approaching,” said the 83-year-old senator, who was first elected in 1976, in a video announcement.
When TPVasked him about his fighting achievements, Orin mentioned, inter alia, his equal opportunity opposition to gays of any age, race, or gender:
“I wouldn’t want to see homosexuals teaching school anymore than I’d want to see members of the American Nazi Party teaching school.”
A family man, twenty years later, Hatch kept his views unchanged and supported the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996.
“Despite my opposition, sadly, the gays have prevailed.That’s why after much prayer and discussion with family and friends, I’ve decided to retire at the end of this term and engage in gay soul searching. Who knows what surprises life still has for me.”
Orin, you made TPV‘s day. Muchos gracias and sayonara, because Orin liked his domestics, probably illegal.
***
By Dana Neacsu: Having Hatched All He Could Hatch, Orin Goes Sayonara
On this first day of 2018, at 5 p.m. EST (2200 GMT), the January full moon will arrive at perigee, its closest point to Earth in an orbit. Our lunar companion reaches an extreme perigee distance of 221,559 miles (356,565 kilometers). When these events coincide (a full moon at perigee), some people refer to the event as a “supermoon.”
The Don himself was so impressed by the event that he described it,
Supermoon is another reason smart voters will vote for me in 2020. Look at the supermoon: It’s me. My face… so much more than Crooked Hillary’s.
Here at TPV things get meaning while they fall through the hole we create for them. 2017 has been mostly Trump and Hillary, and here’s our good riddance to the their duo, while looking forward to some Democratic competitor to terminate Donald’s reign. But, more than anything, 2017 signifies the coming of age of American bureaucracy – by accepting to tread on net – they have reached their nomenclature potential. Don, Putin must be really proud of his protégé, wouldn’t you think so?
1. In the 2017 Alabama senate race, the Democrats found support in the perennial fight between Mickey Mouse and the Donald.
TPV wonders if the Democrats are willing to use this race as a precedent for divine intervention and invoke cartoons when the time comes to knock off Donald from its pedestal of immigrant sweat and tears, or they start building a real contender, all people can rally behind.
2. Snapchat finally copied the “year in review” snooping feature from Facebook, alerting its adolescents that Snapchat too, collects and sells your information to the higher bidder. Luckily for Snapchat, adolescent souls have nothing to hide!
Donald, Snapchat may by just what you need into the new year!
3. Donald may have to rely on Ivanka and Jared even more than in the past, as every paid aid seemed to work overtime to pull him down.
George Papadopoulos, drunkard paid aid to the Don, bragged about the political dirt Russia had on Hillary, to Australian diplomat Alexander Downer during a conversation in London. Shortly after the FBI became involved.
5. On the short pile of good news for the Dems, Disney World, the most magical place on Earth, delivered a sneak peek of its newly refurbished Hall of Presidents, with a new addition: Donald Trump. The talking robot version of Donald Trump at Disney World looks a lot like Hillary!
6. Displeased with the robot, erratic Donald turned to twitter. We took his wishes of a Happy New Year personally, because they mentioned “smart voters”:
“Why would smart voters want to put Democrats in Congress in 2018 Election when their policies will totally kill the great wealth created during the months since the Election,” Donald rhetorically inquired.
TPV would venture this guess:
Maybe because the smart voters did not get any great wealth during all those months. Actually, no wealth. The Trumps & Co. (crooked republicans) got it all.
7. Anna Wintour and her sense of fashion made it easier for us to imagine the rest of our lives without Billary’s triangulations.
[TPV has exclusive access to some of Donald Trump’s journal entries thanks to our relationship with a soon to be former White House aide—we can’t divulge her name, but we can say that it rhymes with Jamorosa and she’s not happy with the president.]
Today I am feeling down. Not the sort of down I felt when Jeff [Sessions] recused himself and left me open to that FBI investigation, but still down. Not as down as when Rex said I wasn’t smart and I had to tweet about his stupid I.Q. Not as down as when that Mexican judge was mean to me just because of the whole Mexicans are rapists thing. Not as down as when Melania made me compare the size of my hand to hers and did some trick to make her hand look so much bigger. Not down like that, but still down.
Why can’t we have a cabinet meeting every day? That usually does the trick—Mike and Ben and Rex and Steve have such nice things to say about me. And everything is really tremendous! They tell me that no administration in history has accomplished as much as we have, and then I tell them that no administration in history has accomplished as much as we have, and then they tell me it again. And it’s such an honor for them! I can tell because they always say that. Ben told me he was truly blessed to be Secretary of the Interior, and then Ryan Zinke told Ben that actually he was Secretary of the Interior and Ben has a different job, and then Ben said he must have been confused by the fact that he was inside, so he just assumed that it was the interior that he supposed to be secretarying. But they both had really nice things to say about me and their jobs and how we’re getting everything done big league. Rick [Perry] tried to play along and said he thought it was going ‘bigly’ great, which I don’t even think is a real word, but he’s been so hangdog recently that I didn’t have the heart to correct him.
Anyway, at the last meeting Mike really did a great job, a tremendous job of telling me what a great job I have been doing. But then I saw one of those fake news guys asking Sarah at her press conference about what another fake news guy said here
I don’t get it. It was almost like the fake news guy was trying to say Mike shouldn’t have said those things? Almost like he didn’t mean those things? I don’t understand.
And then someone on the TV fake news said that if Barack’s cabinet friends had said things like that Barack would have laughed. Why? Does that mean he’s laughing at me when Mike tells me he’s blessed to work for me? Is every twelve seconds a lot? Besides, that leaves 11 seconds when he’s supposed to be talking about what, exactly? This doesn’t make sense.
And why can’t I stop thinking about what Barack thinks? I wonder what he’s doing right now and what he’s saying about me. It’s so frustrating—he almost never tweets, so I always have to guess. And every time I used to try to call him Bannon wouldn’t let me. General Kelly is the same way. Always telling me no, telling me not to tweet this, not to tweet that, not to give ammunition to the investigators. That’s why it’s so nice to have my phone at four and five in the morning—Bannon and General Kelly can’t tell me what not to tweet when they’re asleep! I have the best words.
And then after I finish my morning tweets at around 5:30 or 5:45 that fourth or fifth can of Diet Coke really helps me unwind. Sometimes I’ll call Mike up right then—he does this routine where he asks why I’m not asleep, as if he’s surprised that I’ve already been awake for so long—just to hear if he’s felt any new sense of pride in serving someone like me. Usually he says he has. And I’ve started timing how long it takes him to praise me when I call—this morning it took almost 45 seconds! I saw that the big hand and the little hand told me it was exactly 5:36, and that long quick hand almost did a whole circle! So this every twelve seconds thing is made up. Fake news!
Still, it would be nice to know what Barack thinks about it. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about him. One more Diet Coke after this journal entry, and maybe General Kelly will let me give him a really quick call. Maybe if start by telling him what a great job he did and what an honor it is to talk to him he’ll tell me what he really thinks. I sure hope so.
*** By RUFUS DAVIS: Happy Festivus to the RestofUS
Ahead of the Trump-induced US recession, ISIS proves it’s ahead of us, having reached rock bottom, and accepting applications from all available Erics and Juniors of the world.
This morning a suicide-bomber wannabe partially detonated a 5-inch metal pipe bomb and battery pack strapped to his midsection as he walked through the Manhattan transit hub. It didn’t even maim himself. The home-made device, which he was carrying under the right side of his jacket, prematurely exploded inside the passageway to the A, C and E trains at Eighth Avenue and West 42nd Street around 7:40 a.m.
When asked what happened, the a 27-year-old Brooklyn man identified as Akayed Ullah defended himself by stating:
Premature is all I can muster, Ullah barely whispered.
As Ullah’s butchered suicide attempt shows, ISIS is facing a recruiting crises, having been forced to abandon any pretension of an entrance IQ-based exam, and being marred by nepotism. Their loss, our gain.
Thank you Marlboro man and Coca-Cola Zero for keeping our boys away from the ISIS trap!
When 
The home-made device, which he was carrying under the right side of his jacket, prematurely exploded inside the passageway to the A, C and E trains at Eighth Avenue and West 42nd Street around 7:40 a.m.
