Home By Marquel The Real Quran

The Real Quran

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Jigsaw Section correspondent, was washing dishes when he read that Quran Fragments, Said to Date From Time of Muhammad, Are Found in Britain. The fragments, pieced together by London Times editors and others with nothing to do in their spare time, confirmed it was the Quran when they found the phrase “Great Satan” repeated several times in the same paragraph where Muhammad discussed the advantages of living in Buffalo, New York.

Close examination revealed several other clues. One section was devoted, surprisingly, to gender equality and commanded all men to wear flowing dresses “like sissy men,” according to the Times. Women were equally commanded to wear flowing dresses
“from head to toe so they won’t know where the fuck they are.”
The scientists claim to have tracked down the root of the story that martyrs would be met by twenty one virgins in heaven. According to this early Quran, the virgins
“are not to be pork nor reptiles nor shellfish, but shall be only those with uncleft hooves.”
Clearly not human, but necessarily either kosher or halal.
The meaning of jihad is finally clarified by several sections which deal with the ancient Jewish neighbors. Jihad should be
“limited to killing Jewish women and children only, but explained to unbelievers (non Muslims) as merely a holy mission.”
In a fairly prescient section, the fragments explain that
“the Jewish inhabitants of Palestine are not actually Jews but are composed exclusively of tourists from New Jersey and Miami Beach. There have never been Jews in Palestine except these tourists who only arrive around the High Holy Days and Chanukah”
Piecing together the fragments was a twenty-year effort because there were over 100,000 fragments. But the scientists and other experts had a clue which made the task easier when they realized, half way through, that the Quran was in the shape of Mohammed’s face, seemingly a violation of the well known prohibition against reproducing an image of Muhammad.
“Actually we couldn’t find one word or phrase containing that prohibition,” said one researcher, although there is a section devoted to drawing the human face, which prohibits “any reproduction of Golda Meir, or anything similar.”
Why was the Quran found in London? There is no known settlement of Muslims that early in all of England.
“That was the biggest puzzle of all,” said another expert. “Apparently there was a large trade with England, concentrated on English language schools, attended mostly by Arabs who were intent on getting business school degrees in the States as soon as North America could be discovered.”
Expected to happen by the year 1000, it was delayed almost 500 years by the Dark Ages, a surprise to the Muslims who didn’t understand that disrupting Western Civilization would have any undesirable consequences.
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By MARQUEL: The Real Quran

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