Marquel TPVs NYTimes Stupid Items Section correspondent, was going to vote when he read Naked Is Not a Costume Running the Marathon? Leave that mask at home. A guide to what’s prohibited at some New York places and events. Marquel read the story with some disappointment. The Times, the newspaper of record, implies you can’t run in the marathon naked (they write that it was up to the public decency laws. Marquel wasn’t even sure there were such laws nor whether, if there were, whether they applied to the public or the marathoner). This is all the news that’s fit to print? If so, what’s not?
“I don’t know,” said the marathon representative. “I’ve asked everybody. No one knows. I think it means you can’t have more than one person per outfit. Like If someone entered in a horse costume, it would extend from your body to whomever else is in there. No horse costumes in the race “
“We don’t really know who made that rule. I mean everybody wears them. Maybe you just can’t wear a Mets cap because they’re losers and we’re not.”
“I think that only applies to men,” said the swaying disco owner, “I don’t know what we had in mind. Why would a guy have an unsealed tampon?”
“Beats me,” be answered, “but the rule is against unsealed ones.”
“We had that problem with the monkeys. They saw kids playing catch and tried to do the same. But there are no balls in the monkey area so they used rocks. We lost a monkey and it took two years for then to unlearn the habit. Lots of injuries.”
“That’s a good rule here,” said the assistant director, “we used to have people rolling down to the first floor. All our floors are cantilevered. When we allowed sitting inevitably somebody would start rolling, hitting others who would then start rolling until we had one or two hundred people in a stack on the first floor. It was scary. And noisy.”
“No. We have a diverse group here, and at the altitude of the observation deck, oxygen is in low supply. When they play instruments, others tend to dance and sing, using up the oxygen. We used to have to call the EMTs to carry them down. Now, with the rule, we just have the occasional visitor who faints after humming a bit.” Said the guard.
“No,” said the Barclays person. “We didn’t make the rules. The players made that rule. Remember, they’re stupid with limited vocabularies. That’s why people watch them. It’s like visiting the zoo. I think they meant no visual distractions. Instead we got optical illusions. Basketball players. But I did hear that it was because of when LeBron was here. He saw that drawing of the old woman who turns into a chicken if you look at the picture for a while. LeBron couldn’t play the whole game and the rest of the team was cross eyed for the evening.”
“We think one stupid item is enough. Why would somebody come here with a crossbow and silly string? It can’t be good and that was enough to bar it.”
“Not that I know, but we thought it better to be safe than sorry.”
“No, I don’t think so. They each have an obvious use. But silly string and crossbows? That could only mean trouble.”