Marquel TPVs NYTimes Stupid Items Section correspondent, was going to vote when he read Naked Is Not a Costume Running the Marathon? Leave that mask at home. A guide to what’s prohibited at some New York places and events. Marquel read the story with some disappointment. The Times, the newspaper of record, implies you can’t run in the marathon naked (they write that it was up to the public decency laws. Marquel wasn’t even sure there were such laws nor whether, if there were, whether they applied to the public or the marathoner). This is all the news that’s fit to print? If so, what’s not?
The marathon doesn’t allow outfits extending “beyond the perimeter of the body.” Marquel, unlike the Times, asked what that meant.
“I don’t know,” said the marathon representative. “I’ve asked everybody. No one knows. I think it means you can’t have more than one person per outfit. Like If someone entered in a horse costume, it would extend from your body to whomever else is in there. No horse costumes in the race “
Marquel was frustrated. That was the stupidest explanation he’d heard in a long time. At Bellmore Lanes, according to the Times, you can’t wear a baseball cap. Marquel investigated.
“We don’t really know who made that rule. I mean everybody wears them. Maybe you just can’t wear a Mets cap because they’re losers and we’re not.”
The Times reported that at the Electric Zoo, a branché disco, you can’t have “unsealed tampons.”
Marquel asked.
“I think that only applies to men,” said the swaying disco owner, “I don’t know what we had in mind. Why would a guy have an unsealed tampon?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Why would he have a sealed one?”
“Beats me,” be answered, “but the rule is against unsealed ones.”
“Put it this way,” I said, “would you really want to know why?” He shook his head no.
According to the Times, you can’t play ball at the Bronx Zoo. Why?
“We had that problem with the monkeys. They saw kids playing catch and tried to do the same. But there are no balls in the monkey area so they used rocks. We lost a monkey and it took two years for then to unlearn the habit. Lots of injuries.”
That made sense. News? I was unsure. Especially because the Times also said you can’t bring luggage to the opera. But why would you?
“For some reason,” said the director, “people schedule the opera just before a flight. About half our patrons are flying out later that evening and they were bringing all their luggage with them. Nobody could get around. We looked like Manhattan Mini Storage.”
“But why would people go to the opera when they have air reservations for the same time?” I asked. He just shrugged. There’s a mystery. But news?
The Guggenheim prohibits sitting on the floors. I asked why.
“That’s a good rule here,” said the assistant director, “we used to have people rolling down to the first floor. All our floors are cantilevered. When we allowed sitting inevitably somebody would start rolling, hitting others who would then start rolling until we had one or two hundred people in a stack on the first floor. It was scary. And noisy.”
I asked if they could wear baseball hats and was told they could.
The Empire State Building doesn’t allow musical instruments. Not even a piccolo?
“No. We have a diverse group here, and at the altitude of the observation deck, oxygen is in low supply. When they play instruments, others tend to dance and sing, using up the oxygen. We used to have to call the EMTs to carry them down. Now, with the rule, we just have the occasional visitor who faints after humming a bit.” Said the guard.
I didn’t believe that for a minute. But I didn’t care either. News? Please.
Barclays Center bans “optical illusions.” The Times says that means glow sticks. What are we, idiots?
“No,” said the Barclays person. “We didn’t make the rules. The players made that rule. Remember, they’re stupid with limited vocabularies. That’s why people watch them. It’s like visiting the zoo. I think they meant no visual distractions. Instead we got optical illusions. Basketball players. But I did hear that it was because of when LeBron was here. He saw that drawing of the old woman who turns into a chicken if you look at the picture for a while. LeBron couldn’t play the whole game and the rest of the team was cross eyed for the evening.”
That seemed reasonably rational if it were true but it was clearly a lie. That could be news if the Times had investigated but they didn’t. What are they hiding? We’ll never know.
New York Comic Con prohibits crossbows and silly string. I asked why.
“We think one stupid item is enough. Why would somebody come here with a crossbow and silly string? It can’t be good and that was enough to bar it.”
“Ever have anybody with both a crossbow and silly string?” I asked.
“Not that I know, but we thought it better to be safe than sorry.”
“But there’s so many suspect combinations,” I observed, “ever had anybody with a jar of blueberry preserves and an oil filter? That’s pretty suspicious isn’t it?”
“No, I don’t think so. They each have an obvious use. But silly string and crossbows? That could only mean trouble.”
I didn’t know if he was right or wrong. All I knew was that the Times had become less than fluff. Some of the fluff that’s fit, or not, to print. That should be their motto.***
BY MARQUEL: The Times- fluff that’s fit, or not, to print
I love your sad article. Thanks God the pictures are more uplifting.
I was thinking that the pictures reminded me of “The day they invented champagne!”
The pictures…but what Marquels says is that the media ran amok of its duty to protect democracy by informing us about what matters. Bravo Marquel, You’re our constitutional rights defender!
I like that. Marquel the Constitutional Crusader! I’m with you M!
I am with you too.
That’s the spirit. All of us a few thousands showing the Times that people need more that stupid fluff.