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U.S. Judiciary Emulates Egyptian Counterpart: Pay and You’ll be Entertained

and justice for all

Marquel, TPVs Times economic self-suffi​ciency correspond​ent was counting his 10 toes while reading the New York Times expose: Egypt Tells 3 They Must Pay to See Evidence. Other undeveloped countries also see judiciary as source of income.

Marquel is not a very good economist and he knows it. For instance he could never understand how consumer spending forms part of our gross national product. Making a car and selling it adds something to our wealth but in Marquel’s experience buying a car has the opposite effect. Armed with that ignorance, he went in search of someone who could tell him why a court would charge defendants, presumptively innocent, $17,000 just to see the evidence against them… which amounted to 5 CDs.

“This is part of a growing movement,” said a Columbia University professor in social development, “to make  government less of the  problem.”

“What problem?”I asked.

” Underdevelopment.” He said. “Poverty. It was my article which has formed the basis for the movement.”

“Well what the hell did it say?” I asked, angrily. What would a Columbia professor know about poverty? Probably that buying a car makes you wealthy.

“Basically that all branches should act like businesses. In Egypt now you pay admission to see a trial. Why not? We pay admission to see a movie, right?”

“Don’t seek my approval,” I said. “I don’t see how you can pay to go to a trial.”

“Go to a trial?”.  He commented. “Have a trial. Anyone who enters the court pays. That includes the accused, witnesses, lawyers. It’s a general admission fee.”

“And the point is to raise money?” I asked.

“Among other things.” He answered. “We think it will increase efficiency and encourage a more businesslike outlook in general in society. We bought MoviePhone.”

“I thought they went out of business.” I said.

“They did. That’s why it was a good buy. It’s called TrialPhone® now. You want to go to a trial you get a ticket. It’s balanced much of the judiciary’s costs already. And some of these trials have 300 defendants. That’s thousands of dollars for an initial appearance. We’re very encouraged.”

“What happens if they convict them all? Doesn’t that kill the golden goose”” I asked.

“First of all there is a limitless supply of defendants. In the several countries we’ve tried this in, the number of trials has gone up not down. Secondly, there is more income upon conviction. A verdict is an added charge and so is a sentence. So each step is added value ” he explained patiently.

“What about the death penalty?” I asked, “that certainly must put an end to things.”

“Two things.” He said pedantically. “First, the price of the death penalty is quite high so profit is built in, knowing we won’t make any more from that defendant. Second, though, there are usually endless appeals involving more general admissions and other fees.”

“You charge a guy for being killed?” I asked.

“There’s a lot of expense involved ” he said. “There’s very little profit.”

“Profit?” I asked. “It sounds inhuman.”

Au contraire,” he argued. “It’s very human. They even get to say last words if they get a ticket. A priest or imam brings in more profit because it’s an additional admission but also it’s considered a special so it’s also an added fee.”

“This is absurd,” I said. “I’ve never heard of anything so venal.”

“One man’s venality is another’s subsistence,” he maintained. “These countries are having success with this. I expect we will start doing the same.”

“Fat chance,” I said.

“Well, TrialPhone© has opened in Idaho, Louisiana, and Texas. They’re very excited,” he said. “They’re starting with low admission fees, unless you want 3D.”

“But a real life trial is already 3D” I said.

“Not any more.” He said. “TrialPhone® has perfected a low light polarized courtroom that appears flat without polarizing glasses which brings out the 3D.”

“Soon they’ll be selling popcorn,” I joked.

“Not a joke,” he said. “In Egypt, Pakistan,  Afghanistan, and Moldova, were selling hummus, pita, and falafel plates. In Canada and the US we’re planning on hot dogs, pizza, and Icees.

I’d heard enough. “I think someone should sue to stop all this.” I said.

“Well you better hurry.” He said, “that sounds like a mandamus action which is an extra, and it’s likely to involve a  constitutional claim which will be the very highest fee we’re contemplating.”

We said good bye. It wasn’t for me this crazed new world. No constitutional claim for me. I’ll take the Icee. I hoped they had the blue ones.

***

BY MARQUEL

U.S. Judiciary Emulates Egyptian Counterpart: Pay and You’ll be Entertained

4 COMMENTS

  1. Amazing Marquel:
    It’s called TrialPhone® now. You want to go to a trial you get a ticket. It’s balanced much of the judiciary’s costs already. And some of these trials have 300 defendants. That’s thousands of dollars for an initial appearance. We’re very encouraged.”

  2. Why didn’t they get to your mind earlier? This is pure economics. Our salvation: Marquel’s mind.
    The HealthPhone® instead of InsuranceCare.

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