The New York Times is being subversive. It has infiltrated the Republican Party and discovered: G.O.P.’s Useful Voter Outreach Tool: Gun Sweepstakes. You vote republican, you get a gun. You vote for two republicans, you get two guns.
It seems so invalid it must be criminal, thought Marquel, the TPVS Times Correspondent. But maybe it’s not. The Republicans are giving away guns to Republicans for voting. I guess a new Republican Senate isn’t enough. You’ve gotta get a gun too. Obviously I had to speak to some people about this.
I found a Republican and asked him about this guns for votes scheme.
“What about it?” He asked.
“Well that’s what I was asking you,” I said.
“Then ask,” he countered.
“I did.” I said.
“Well now I don’t remember,” he answered.
“What about this guns for votes?” I repeated.
“No such thing,” he said.
“But it’s been announced by the Republican committee in your state. Gun sweepstakes for voting.” I said.
“Well that’s a sweepstakes not guns for votes.” He objected.
“So not everybody who votes Republican gets a gun?” I asked.
He laughed. A great big belly laugh and said, “Everybody who votes Republican ALREADY got a gun,” he emphasized, still laughing.
“Maybe,” I said, “but you’re avoiding the question. Will everybody get ANOTHER gun?” I asked.
“Course not,” he said, “it’s a sweepstakes, so only winners will get a gun. That’s why it’s not guns for votes. That might be illegal.”
“Okay…”, I said, “how many guns are you giving away?”
“Well,” he answered, “that depends but right now we have 562,393 guns ready to be won.”
I was scandalized by the number. “That’s one less than all the Republican votes in the last election.”
“See that?” He said, “just like I told you. Someone’s gonna be disappointed.”
“Please,” I said, “be serious. Basically everybody who votes Republican gets a gun isn’t that right?”
“I already told you, Everybody who votes Republican ALREADY got a gun.” He challenged me.
“Yes, but we’re going around in circles. Everybody who votes Republican is going to walk away with one more gun. It seems with this so called sweepstakes, you might have more than 562,394 Republican voters. What then?” I asked.
“We buy more guns. Nobody will be disappointed. Except one guy to keep it legal.”
“Well that’s refreshing,” I said.
“Huh?” He uttered.
“Your concern with legality. It’s refreshing to have Republicans like that.” I said.
“So you like our idea? Wanna win a gun?”
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“Why not? You seem like a nice enough guy,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said, “but naw, I don’t think so.”
He looked hurt. “Well why not?”
“I think I’d stick out,” I said.
“How’s that?” He asked, “you look normal enough to me.”
“Yeah,” I said, “think about it. I’d be the only one with just one gun.”
He shook his head sympathetically and we said good bye.
You find yourself normal enough? Then go on Twitter and follow this fellow @MarquelatTPV.
G.O.P.’s Voter Outreach Tool: Gun Sweepstakes