Obesity Rate for Young Children Plummets 43% in a Decade. Disastrous news for Frito Lay

While the prestigious NY Times reports Obesity Rate for Young Children Plummets 43% in a Decade, Marquel, TPVs Times Business & Health correspondent investigates further. Marquel sees bad news for snack food industry. Republicans warn of massive “Michelle Unemployment.”
The news seemed too good to be true but it seemed true. National boards found that we have less fatties in the toddler class. That’s good news because fat toddlers become fat people and then where do we get to sit on the subway?

But some companies and many Republicans call this the Michelle Unemployment because companies like Frito Lay and whoever makes Cheet-Os (Yum!) are apparently preparing to lay off 43% of their employees just because a few hundred thousand fatsos won’t eat their chips.

It seemed like an interview was necessary so I thought of donning my Cossack suit but realized I’d never wear it again and just put on a jacket and made arrangements to travel from Westchester Airport to their corporate headquarters.

When I got to the airport I found myself …at corporate headquarters! It seems Frito Lay is part of Pepsi and they are located just off the airport in Purchase, New York.

I met Jack Strayer, CEO of Frito Lay. I asked him what he thought of the good news.

“When kids don’t eat their food, that’s hardly good news,” he told me.

“But these kids are obese,” I retorted.

“No,” he said, “check your facts. First of all, they’re chunky, not obese, and their parents think they’re beautiful.”

“Doesn’t every parent?” I asked.

“No” he answered, “not if they’re really obese. Then they’re ashamed and embarrassed. Unless they’re obese too.”

“Then what?” I asked.

“Well then,” he answered, “it would be interfering with the family, something that’s very sacred to us, because parents like to be told that their kids resemble them.”

“So what you’re saying is that obese parents should have obese kids and any attempt to intervene is disrupting the family?” I questioned.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” he answered.

“You did say it. I was just repeating your words for confirmation.” I emphasized.

“Whoever said it, it’s damned good and I agree with you.” He said, “anything else?”

“Well, yes,” I went on, “don’t you think it’s good that, let’s say a two year old who weighed 100 pounds lost 43% of that weight just from a health standpoint?”

“Aha!” He shouted, “you see you don’t get these figures. If you believe them, and I don’t, 43% of them lost some weight, they didn’t lose 43% of their weight. There’s a big difference.”

“Are you saying it’s just a big fat lie?” I asked.

“Hey that’s good” he answered, scribbling on a pad. “You see, a 43% drop in obesity might mean that 100,000 fatties lost one pound apiece. It certainly does not mean that all of them are now 43% lighter. But I still like the big fat lie deal. That’s clever.”

“Thanks,” I said, “please don’t quote me on that.”

“I can say I made it up? Thanks. You’re clever as well as generous.” He gushed.

“But why are you firing all these people?” I asked.

“What we said was if all the chunky toddlers who eat our foods have stopped doing so, then we’d have to fire 43% of our workers. That’s about 32,000 employees. Just for Fritos. Cheet-Os would lose close to the same.” He smiled.

“Wait!” I exclaimed, “you make them too?”

“Sure,” he urged, “we manufacture 59% of the snack food industry.”

“But,” I questioned, “doesn’t that constitute a monopoly, a violation of the antitrust laws?”

“You’ll have to ask my lawyers about that,” he cautioned, “But frankly I doubt it.”

“Why?” I asked.

“They would have told me.” he said.

“So basically this unemployment isn’t happening, right?” I asked. “It’s just a threat to discourage Michelle Obama.”

“That bitch,” he countered, “what’s got into her? We elected her husband and she now wants the country to go on a diet. You know, she seems just a bit chunky herself, doesn’t she?” He asked.

“Well,” I offered, “let’s just agree that nobody’s going to call her willowy.”

“She’s chunky,” he insisted. “And pushy. Nobody likes a chunky pushy First Lady.”

“It seems a lot of people do.” I retorted.

“You know what?” he asked.

“What?” I questioned.

“That’s the problem.”

We said good bye.

I took a bus back and never got to fly anywhere. The bus was crowded.A fat lady smiled and sat next to me. I grimaced and tried to convey that I detested her. On the subway a lady with a giant three seater stroller took each bulging kid out to sit on two seats, each one with a bag of chips. I suddenly realized that Michelle is all wrong. We shouldn’t feed them less. We should stuff them till they fucking explode.

You may follow Marquel on Twitter @MarquelatTPV and watch him eat Frito Lay chips for yourself.