Pakistan Charges 9-month old “Babyface Khan” With Murder

The New York Times has started its global reach by publishing: Rounding Up Suspects, Pakistan Charges a Baby. No intimidated by this, Marquel, TPVs Times Global trotter corresponded brought us the deep throat news: “Baby Face” Khan has held the nation in terror since his birth nine months ago. Authorities promise swift action. Baby on bail.

Pakistan’s most terrifying mobster,a nine month old, was charged by the authorities with attempted murder by stoning but was able to make bail, attesting to the mobster’s underworld influence.

His arrest surprised most observers, because he was thought to be untouchable to the authorities but he had been carried at the time by his father, in a Baby Bjorn baby carrier which allowed the police to seize him with little public danger.

The public fear was immediately visible however when he was granted bail instantly. The judge seemed terrified and his teeth chattered as he granted one rupee bail. “Get him out of here,” was all he said.

Pakistan is in a state of unrest over Baby Face who has many monikers. Some call him “the Chin” because he has none. Another frequent name is  “Meatball” Khan, because that is his favorite Gerber dish. On the west side (of Pakistan) he is frequently referred to as “Carwash” Khan because of the state he leaves cars in after riding in one.

I spoke to the public prosecutor. “What’s with the names,” I asked.

“Babyface is cagey. At first we thought there was a gang of nine month olds but it was just the plethora of names that Babyface uses purposely to terrorize the nation,” said the DA.

“I don’t understand how a toddler could so terrorize people,” I said.

“He’s vicious. No manners,” he said. “Did you ever eat with him? It’s disgusting. And he has no pity. He wants something, he gets it or he rants and pounds the table. Pakistanis are rightfully scared.”

“So are you really going to try him for murder?” I wondered.

“You bet,” said the DA. “In fact we’re trying him as an adult.”

“Send him to prison?” I asked.

“I’ve already consulted with the prison ministry. The cell is ready. Throw in a potty and a few papers and he’s there for life.” He asserted.

“Might this not just be an instance of overcharging, I mean just to teach a lesson?” I asked.

“It’s that too”, he said, “do you realize the Pakistani birthrate? If we allow one nine month old mobster we’ll be plagued with them. Toddler gangs roaming the neighborhood and civilians afraid to go out into the streets.”

“So you think Babyface, or the Chin, will be safely put away?” I asked.

“I can’t be certain. The public has romanticized this hooligan toddler. There are campaigns to “Free Carwash,” and others to “Let the Meatball go,” but they don’t realize the cost of romanticizing crime.” He said. “But there are his victims, some of those hospitalized. I would like to go for the death penalty.”

“You’re kidding!” I exclaimed.

“No,” he said in his thick Pakistani accent, “not at all but it seems practically impossible.”

“How’s that?” I asked.

“We only have hanging. The prisoner has to stand. This one mostly crawls. I spoke personally to the executioner. He said a crawling prisoner would be a spectacle. I insisted he try”, said the DA.

“Try to kill Carwash before he’s tried?” I asked.

“No, no” he said again in his thick Pakistani pronunciation, “but we tried with a mock up. A doll really. We got the noose on but every time he ended up hanging upside down, then slipped out onto the scaffold. Pakistan is not yet that advanced to have perfected a method of hanging a nine month old.”

“No”, I agreed, “but you seem to be advancing rapidly.”

“Thank you, thank you,” he answered, “but not yet advanced enough to say it’s curtains for the Chin.”

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For wait-listed suspects, go to @MarquelatTPV.