Sister Act – The Kickers & Punters Sequel

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=girW7nTNnMQ[/embedyt]Marquel TPVs NYTimes Parochial Events Section commentator, was considering buying a new copy of the Bible in Afghani, when he stopped his introspection to read Living an Upright Life, as a Nun and a Coach.  Sister Lisa Maurer coaches kickers and punters at the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth, Minn., which is 10-0 entering the N.C.A.A. Division III playoffs. Marquel marveled at the Sister’s record. You surely couldn’t aim much higher. I got in touch with her and we talked.

“What’s with this perfect record? I thought we were meant to err?” I asked.

“Ah yes,” she said, “sometimes the Lord is with us.”

“And if he isn’t?” I asked.

“Don’t worry,” she said, ” he’s always there somewhere.”

I was confused. “But 100% success. That’s amazing. You don’t see those numbers elsewhere. What’s your graduation rate?”

“Exactly the same numbers,” she insisted.

“100% graduation?” I queried.

“The same numbers,” she explained. “Different order.”

“That hurts,” I said.

“It’s God’s will.” She said.

“How do you get such good kicking?” I asked.

“I tell them the truth before each kick.”

“What is that exactly?” I asked.

“I tell them they’ll burn in eternal hell if they miss.” She purred.

“That should motivate them.” I marvelled.

“If it doesn’t I tell them their entire family will burn in eternal hell.” She said, smiling.

“What about in practice?” I asked.

“No, in practice there’s no reason to be so demanding. There’s room for error as long as it’s productive.” She said.

“What do you do if they flub a practice kick?” I asked.

“I rap their knuckles with a ruler.” She said.

“That seems pretty traditional,” I commented.

“Yes. Sometimes I assign a few Hail Mary’s just to make sure we’re on the right track.” She said.

“Do you ever assign an essay on why God loves them?” I asked.

“Of course. I’m a nun.”

“But you’re a football nun. That’s different.” I said.

“Not so much. Sister Mary Ellen, my roommate, my friend really, loves football too. Sometimes we suit up at night and spend the evening tackling one another and wrestling to get free.” She said.

“Is that something you’ve done for a long time?” I asked.

“Since high school. I was the only girl on the wrestling team. Mary Eileen was in school with me and I convinced her to join. As the only two females, we spent four years of high school just wrestling each other.” She bragged.

“I can imagine. And the football, the kicking?” I asked.

“We started kicking each other and enjoying it. I got really good and here I am.” She said.

“Do you think women should be priests?” I asked.

“The more the merrier. Especially if they enjoy wrestling and suiting up and kicking. It could be heavenly.”

“I guess so but that’s kind of a high bar you’re setting.” I pointed out.

“Oh no,” she insisted. “There’s plenty of us that would enjoy teaching them.”

“That’s the name of the game,” I said. She looked puzzled. “Education,” I added.

We both smiled at each other knowingly. But I hadn’t a clue whether we’d shared secrets or not. I was still a bit scared of that ruler and the hell thing.

***

BY MARQUEL: Sister Act – The Kickers & Punters Sequel

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPpd-6X3tEo[/embedyt]