Emanuel Is Doing Chicago and Marquel Yawns

This is great news thought Marquel – TPVs NYTimes unarmed arms correspondent. In its peaceful mode, now that Bellicose Jill’d gone, the New York Times just announced : Chicago Mayor Proposes Restrictions on Gun Sales.  Among the proposals from Mayor Rahm Emanuel, who has struggled to bring down violence in his city, is a requirement that all gun sales be videotaped. Will that work? Marquel knows about videotaping and he also knows about disguise. It’s something every young student learns in journalism school, where Marquel still hasn’t gone. Marquel even knows about stilts, something that could be very important for videotaping. I knew this guy was a faker as soon as I heard his name several years ago. Emmanuel is a first name not a last name (Emanuel does not really exist). I had an uncle Manny. Guess his first name and it wasn’t Rahm. This could be a last name first name situation except that Rahm isn’t a name at all! It’s a YAWN. You don’t use a yawn as a name for obvious reason. So anyway this YAWN is going to make a star out of every criminal in Chicago. That should be an effective deterrent. I decided to test this theory out. I went to Tiffany’s to supposedly sell a valuable watch, a family heirloom. I put on a moustache that a CIA agent had recently given me, some dark makeup on my hands and face, a wig belonging to a friend, his pants that are six inches too long, and a pair of stilts inside them that gave me greater height, and went in to have the watch evaluated. I later came back as me and asked about the watch that I said had been stolen, perhaps by a family member. Did they remember him or her? The store erupted in confusion but I kept cool. A security guard and some suit brought me into a private room.

“You say that watch is yours?” the suit asked. “You realize we don’t have it. This guy came in, asked us the value, and left.”

“I understand that. I think it’s a relative,” I said. “If you could give as good a description, I might be able to narrow it down.”

“We can do better than that,” said the suit. “It’s all on tape. I’ve looked at it. It was a really tall guy, dark complexion, moustache, medium length hair, and really stupid.”

“Huh?” I said. “I was going to say it was my Uncle Manny, but he’s no dummy.”

“This guy has the brains of a guinea pig.” said the suit.

“What’d he do so stupid? And are you sure that moustache wasn’t fake?” I asked.

“I’ve never seen a moustache as real as this one, and a brain as so ineffective.” he said.

“I can’t believe that. Either it’s my Uncle Manny or a stupid lookalike.”

“Well, the clerk told me that he tried to joke with him.” said the suit. “Said the watch seems broken but it’s right twice a day.”

“Right twice a day?” I asked.

“Yeah, the old joke.” said the suit. “But the guy, your Uncle Manny perhaps, “said, no, it was broken. The clerk told him it was right twice a day again, and the guy insists, no, it’s broken.”

“Hmmm,” I said. “Can I see the tape?

“I can’t let you do that but my description wouldn’t fit too many people, and if your Uncle Manny fits it, I’d say wear it.”

“Wear it?” I asked.

“You know, the old joke. If the shoe fits, wear it.”

“Yeah,” I said, “sure. You say that watch is right twice a day?”

“What is this?” he asked. “Something genetic? You too?”

“No, I get it,” I said, and now I did. “It’s right twice a day. That’s just not enough to depend upon it, unless it’s that time, of course.”

“Of course.”

So much for Yawn Emmanuel. Glad he lives in Chicago.

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By Marquel