The inventor of the Kalashnikov rifle, Mikhail Kalashnikov, died a few days ago. As a result, he will be buried in the Cemetery of the Greats, in Latvia, a small country east of somewhere.
Cemetery officials at first debated where Kalashnikov should go. Their first choice was the Plot of the Coincidences, where Lou Gehrig and others whose names were coincidentally associated with their raison de fame are also buried.
But that decision was rejected in favor of the Plot of the Death Merchants, along with Heinrich Litteldick, the inventor of Xylon B, Abraham Lincoln, thy inventor of the only kind of war that could kill more Americans than any other, an American Civil War, Adolf Hitler, Jesus Christ, in whose name more were killed than even Lincoln’s, an honor Christ shares with his co-interree, Mohammed, and of course the entire duPont family, as well as the bacillus, Salmonella enterica enterica, serovar typhi, responsible for typhus, and Typhoid Mary, responsible for spreading it.
The funeral is scheduled for this Saturday accompanied, naturally, by a 21 gun salute, all of them Kalashnikovs. They will shoot towards the east where several graves are reserved for Dick Cheney, inventor of the doctrine that wars should be fought with whatever army is handy, and George W Bush, the inventor of the idea that wars should be fought whenever….
For the Times’ report, go to http://nyti.ms/1jAPpIc.
Credit where credit is due:
I know you can’t call on everyone who raises his hand, but I wanted to mention Donald Rumsfeld who reminded American soldiers that even if they had armored vehicles (like the ones in which he was driven around) they could still get blown up – he may not been responsible for as many deaths as say, diarrheal diseases, but he certainly did his part in making people trying to preserve their own lives feel guilty for it. He was also very good at standing up for a long time.
Dick Cheney, inventor of the doctrine that wars should be fought with whatever army is handy, and George W Bush, the inventor of the idea that wars should be fought whenever….