Home By Marquel With Peace Talks Off, Netanyahu Looks at Unilateral Moves. Peru & Ecuador...

With Peace Talks Off, Netanyahu Looks at Unilateral Moves. Peru & Ecuador Want Him. But Putin Outbid Them

Marquel, TPVs Time correspondent on the unprincipled had nothing better to do than alert the rest of us to what The New York Times had to say about BibiWith Peace Talks Off, Netanyahu Looks at Unilateral Moves.
The Israeli prime minister has asked his cabinet to bring forward alternative approaches. Most involve him becoming prime minister of countries unsuccessful at baiting the US.

Marquel knew that translating from Hebrew to English was not always easy. His Hebrew is only slightly better than his Chinese (he only knows two Chinese words, Bok Choy, but he learned to pronounce it in 22 regional accents so that, although he can’t communicate, he can make people feel at home). But Netanyahu‘s use of the term “unilateral” made his ears perk up.

It fit Bibi because everything Bibi does is in that sense unilateral. He does what he wants. So Marquel knew the story was wrong. Marquel got an interview with an Israeli who had been present at several high level meetings.

“What do you know about this?” Asked Marquel.

“Only what I heard,” said the man.

“How did you get access to these meetings?” I asked.

“I’m in charge of beverages.” He said, “I had to refill everybody’s coffee or water.”

“You’re a waiter,” I challenged him.

“That too,” he said.

“That only,” I said.

“Sometimes,” he said. ” but it takes skill to serve Bibi because he doesn’t like any of the carbonation to escape. I was hand-picked for that. “

“He drinks carbonated beverages?” I asked.

“Only celery soda,” he said, “which already isn’t that highly carbonated. So it takes skill.”

“Why does he drink that dreck?” I asked.

“He seems very proud of his American ways and he drank it when he was first in New York,” explained the waiter.

“Okay so what did you hear? ” I asked.

“I was at the meeting with the Peruvians, they want him to be president or prime minister, I think.” Said my contact.

“Peru?” I asked. “Why would they want him?” Does he speak Spanish? ” I asked.

“For the same reasons everyone else he talked to want him. He can tell the Americans to fuck off, and then they give him more money.” He said knowingly. “They showed him how to say fuck off in Spanish.”

“The same with Ecuador?” I asked him.

“Exactly.” He said. “They want to get rid of the US military representatives, the anti drug squads but they want more money to use for other things, mostly salaries.”

“Bibi could do that in his sleep,” I said.

“That’s why they want him,” agreed my man. “Both countries were offering billions, literally billions for his help. They’d get that back the first year, Bibi told them.”

“So is he going to advise them or actually serve in office?” I asked.

“He didn’t seem to mind. The money was what interested him,” said the waiter.

Hey,” I said, “could you go get me a coke?” I wanted to test him.

“Why not?” He said, and came back with a can that he popped then poured so slowly that not one bubble burst till he was done. Impressive. He continued to speak. “Bibi actually suggested that he serve as prime minister of Ecuador and Peru simultaneously, splitting the week, ‘to better monetize’ the positions,” he said.

“Wow,” was all I could get out.

“What about his meeting with Putin? Was that something,” he said. “They weren’t talking about billions. They were talking about hundred of billions!”

“To take Putin’s job?” I asked.

“No, never came up.” He said. “To advise Putin on how to tell the Americans to fuck off without suffering consequences.”

“So what did they say?” I asked.

“Bibi said he’d show him how to solve the Ukraine situation without any problem and get military aid from the US at the same time. He said it was a ‘freebie’ just to show good faith. And then he said the Russians could show good faith also by sending ten billion to his account in Barbados. In dollars.” He explained.

“That’s Bibi, alright,” I said. “A freebie that costs ten billion.”

“The Russians seemed quite happy. He solved their Ukraine problem.” He said.

“How?” I asked.

“Here’s what I heard. First, he said, they should start a peace process with Ukraine. But they should provoke the Ukrainians as much as possible so they could be labeled terrorists.”

“That makes sense,” I admitted, “although duplicitous.”

“I think Bibi would take that as a compliment,” said the waiter. “Then he said they should claim that Crimea was given to them by god. He said Obama goes for that kind of argument. ‘From the border to the Black Sea,’  he said, and to repeat it over and over. He asked how you say Homeland in Russian.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” said the waiter. ” I told you he solved the Ukraine problem. Bibi said to send in hundreds of thousands of Russians to live all through Ukraine and call them settlements. He said America loves settlements because of their frontier days. Once it’s full of settlements, ‘it’s basically yours,’ he said, and the Americans would pay billions to support it. He said to be sure to make many promises of every kind.”

“Why?” I asked.

“He said that for some reason every time you break a promise to Americans they feel guilty and give you even more money to get you back on.track.” said my man. “He called it in Hebrew the money train but it’s hard to translate. It’s like a bottomless bank account.”

“So Putin’s gonna say Crimea is the Russian homeland given by god, establish settlements in the rest of Ukraine, take it all over, and then ask the US for money,” is that it? ” I asked.

“That’s about it,” said my Israeli, looking me in the eye and adding, “it’s worked before….”

 

TPV CORRESPONDENT

With Peace Talks Off, Netanyahu Looks at Unilateral Moves. Peru & Ecuador Want Him. But Putin Outbid Them

10 COMMENTS

  1. I always found Bibi too bold for me, but you made his stupidity worth laughing at. THANK YOU…perfect pitch

  2. I personally like to pronounce Bibi’s name..Such a majestic name for a prime minister. Bibi! The dinner is ready, dear.

  3. This is nonsense. The article is just pure Swiftian satire. Bibi is an idiot. A powerful idiot who is going to destroy Israel

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