Peanut Revolution

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Lunchbox Section correspondent, was taking a walk in the hood when he saw a bench and sat down to read Peanut Butter With Sticking Power.  William F. Buckley Jr. was a devotee of peanut butter, especially Red Wing, produced in upstate New York.

Now the company’s factory there is about to close. Marquel thought perhaps this will be the end of the tea party. Obviously it’s not just tea they’re imbibing. Peanut butter, if you can believe this story, has an effect on political outlook. The more you eat, the more your tongue sticks to the roof of your mouth, like an airedale or Labrador. Then, like Buckley, you start saying preposterous things which sound more and more like don’t trust government, the banker is your friend, taxes weaken the government, and austerity makes you rich by making the 1% filthy rich (otherwise known as trickle down).

Most people don’t remember Buckley any more but he was like a one man tea party who indulged in human misery, calling it freedom. Marquel couldn’t believe it was caused by peanut butter, but stranger things have happened, so first he visited the Peanut butter institute on Park Avenue.

“What is it that peanut butter contains that would make you conservative?” I asked.

“A couple of things. One is mechanical. For really big eaters, the tongue stuck to the palate is a major cause. You end up sounding stupid and retarded. That immediately makes you sound conservative as well, and start saying stupid things.” Said a peanut scientist.

“Peanut butter is a fantastic chemical mix. It contains dopamine, which tends to decrease liberal thoughts, and second is cortisol which makes people stressed out in politics. Added with the testosterone in peanut butter, those three effects are likely to promote conservative thoughts and reject any liberal tendencies.” He said.

“No the data’s all there. Poor George Washington Carver. A black man alone in science producing a product that turns the country to the right.” He said.

“Of course not. But his assistants were women named Curtis and Hunt. They were both dwarfs, severely retarded, and white. It’s pretty well known that Carver was just their front man while the girls made all the discoveries. Fantastic scientists.” He said.

“Indeed he was. He was a black Leonardo with two retreated dwarfs. You can’t deny them credit.” He said.

“An addict. Plain and simple. He couldn’t utter a coherent sentence. He was a victim of the hormones. Driving him ever further rightward.” He said.

“Absolutely. We’ve done studies. Tea party people eat peanut butter. Occupy people eat bean sprouts. That’s enough to make a didifference. Ever put peanut butter in a dog’s mouth?” He asked.

“They run around trying to unstick their tongues from their palate. During those moments those dogs are so conservative they’d vote against gun control, taxes, welfare, Obamacare, and anything else until their tongues are once again freed.” He said.

“Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Jindal, Huckabee, Christie, Paul, Romney, are just pigs for peanut butter. Christie rubs it all over his body. These chemicals are easily absorbed by the skin. They honestly can’t think straight and half the time can’t even free their tongues for a coherent sentence. Try it out. Stick your tongue to your palate and see how much easier it is to say no than yes.”

“Sure. Fluff®. It counteracts most of it.”.

“Yep. Regular or Strawberry. They both work.” He said.

“Unfortunately no. It makes it worse. It aids absorption so it makes it worse.”

“Yes so it’s a problem.”