Portugal’s Move to Sell Miró Works Raises Debate of Preservation vs. Privatization. Others, including U.S., consider selling public assets, such as elected positions

The venerable NY Times reports: Portugal’s Move to Sell Miró Works Raises Debate of Preservation vs. Privatization. Marquel, The TPVs Times Correspondent adds: Others follow suit.

Marquel visited the Portuguese consulate in Manhattan and learned that artworks were only the start. The consul said, “there are many public assets with great worth but actually produce very little good or profit or revenue for the gente of Portugal.”

“Could you give me some examples?” I asked.

“The most obvious,” he insisted, “is the royal family.”

 “So you want people to be able to buy a title?” I wondered, “I know that’s done in other countries.”

 “But those,” he noted, ” are private sales bringing nothing into the treasury. Our plans are more robust and, if I may say so, more sophisticated.”

“In what way?” I asked.

“Even were it a state sale, it would still be a one time event. That really doesn’t help the national economy over the long term nor the budget. But we plan on setting up an exchange, a Market, called the Title Market.”

 “What can I do there?” I asked.

 “Nothing,”  he answered. “What can you do at the stock market? Nothing. You must work through a broker. We are establishing an economic sector which will support new  jobs like title brokers. The initial money goes straight into our coffers. Resales involve a hefty state commission. Legacies left to children involve the equivalent of an estate tax. We will soon be rolling in it.”

“So could you imagine me getting something for like a grand?” I asked.

 “Well that’s a bit low,” he said, “but I believe you could become one of the queens foot livery for that.”

 That sounded awfully menial, and something they should be paying me for, not vice versa.

“What else?” I asked.

“We have many many small villages that may be sold. Many visitors have expressed an interest in buying a cute village and we have thirty or forty that could be bought and, for a franchise fee, even renamed.”

“What about the entire country?”, I asked, feeling frisky. Was I in for a surprise.

“That is still on the table but unlike the villages, the larger governmental units will not be on sale. But their names may be considered. We have an offer right now that is in the billion dollar neighborhood.”

“Could you tell me about it?” I wondered.

 “Certainly. Rupert Murdoch has expressed an interest in Portugal’s name.” He asserted.

“No kidding” I almost shouted. “Murdochville?”

 “Oh no, the dignity of the nation comes first. We have been discussing Rupertugal. A very slight difference for two and a half billion. And only for his lifetime so we can consider this a continuing source of revenue.” He said.

“This sounds” I said, “like something the U.S.should try.”

 “Try? You’ve been doing it for years.” He interjected. “Your treasury has advised us through the whole process. You should speak to them. They have price lists and everything.”

 So I went to the treasury. “I heard I can buy a title here,” I said. “Sir Marquel is so fucking romantic.”

“That’s the one thing you can’t buy.” Said the T Man, “the constitution, you know. It forbids it.”

 “Okay how about a cute little village somewhere or a ghost town out west.” I asked.

“We could probably arrange a mayor’s position but not the village itself. Those are private sales. What we handle in the Treasury is elective positions only.” The T Man explained.

I was, truthfully, shocked. Elective positions for sale. Weren’t there laws against that? I asked him.

“Oh yes it is a federal crime,a serious felony, for a person to interfere, let alone purchase, the elective process.” He asserted.

 “Then…” I stumbled.

“But not the government,” he insisted, “in fact that’s our domain.”

 “So what’s for sale?” I asked.

 “Well normally we don’t discuss particular positions nor prices except with buyers who are ready, willing and able. But in general in answer to your question, everything.”

 “Well, what if I want to be a marine general?” I wondered.

 “You’re not a marine. If you are in the armed forces we do have promotions for sale, but not for civilians. Sorry.” He looked regretful. “Tell you what. Do you swim? I think I saw a special just this week. I could probably make you a Navy Seal.”

 “Dog paddle. But really fast,” I said.

“Could work. Most of what they do is underwater I think.” He asserted.

“But what about elective office?” I asked.

 “We’ve got everything.” He said. “What interests you?”

 “Maybe the mayor of a small bucolic village.” I said.

 “That we have. Roughly $10,000.” He said.

“Do I have to act right away?” I asked.

 “No, we always have these around. Frankly nobody wants to be mayor of a small town. Sheriff is a bigger draw I think because of the car, handcuffs, and gun. But it’s costlier.”

“What about big city mayor?” I asked.

“Well New York just went as you know. For a cool two billion. And he has a right of refusal for the second term.” He explained.

 “Chicago?” I suggested.

 “Funny you should ask that.” He said, “it was sold profitably for years but the last few ended up in jail and the price plummeted. It wasn’t worth promoting.”

 “I can understand that. So people actually have to run for office there?” I wondered.

“No it’s technically in our inventory but the FBI has taken it for use in the witness protection program.”

 “I don’t understand,” I protested.

 “Simple. They have witnesses that have to be hidden so we elect them mayor of Chicago.” He explained.

 “Actually that makes a lot of sense,” I said with admiration. “Listen l have only one last question.”

 “The answer is yes. I’ve been here a long time.” He asserted.

 I couldn’t believe it. “Even Lincoln?” I asked.

 “Definitely. There was even a dispute over whether the family deserved a refund. They got it. So did the Kennedy family. Obama was seriously looking into a refund.”

 “But nobody’s shot him…yet….” I noted.

“It wasn’t that. He claims we misled him and therefore he deserves his money back.”

 “Misled? How?” I wondered.

 “He says it’s really not all that much fun.”

***

If you want to hear more on this, go to @MarquelatTPV.