The NY Times reported that No Ukraine Inquiry Into Bugged Phone Call. Ukraine is angered by American interference in its internal politics, especially whether Ukraine will be allowed to return to “the Ukraine.”
For decades Ukraine was the Ukraine. Apparently Ukrainians liked it that way. Marquel had a sit down with their foreign minister, Silva daSilva, and discussed this shocking new issue.
“I had no idea that this was an important issue,” I said, “I had thought, in fact the whole world had thought, that this had to do with a struggle between East and West, whether Ukraine would be in the Russian sphere of influence or the European sphere.”
“In a way it is,” said daSilva, “because Russia will let us have the the back. The EU is firmly against because they’ve already printed the maps and use the the for the EU.”
“So,” I said, “as I understand it, you could return to the Ukraine but the EU would have to revert to simply EU. Like I could say the Ukraine wants to join EU”
“Don’t say that! Please!” Said daSilva. “Don’t say we want to join EU. Russia will have a fit. They have a the we desperately need.”
“Where’d they get an extra the?” I asked.
“The Soviet Union,” said daSilva.
It was becoming clear to me. “So Russia will give you the the from the Soviet union because it’s unlikely that’s coming back. The EU is less willing to give up their the especially because their maps are printed already. And the US? Are we willing to give up our the? It sounds funny to say I live in United States. It’s the United States, always has been.”
“Yeah, well,” said daSilva bitterly. “It’s always been the Ukraine so don’t take it for granted. We had no choice in it. Where did that the go? Who has it?”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Certainly. That’s the US position. They say if we lost it we should find it. Kerry asked us directly where it was and when we said we didn’t know he asked where was it the last time we saw it. He’s like somebody’s father or something. Where was the last time…. I have no idea. One day we were the Ukraine, the next day Ukraine. We didn’t lose it. Somebody stole it.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong but it sounds like you don’t want Russia’s charity or anyone else’s. Sounds like you want your own the back.”
“Correct. Nobody seems to understand it. Kerry offered us the the from the Confederacy. First, it’s not ours. Second, it’s old. Third, it’s a loser the. We are the Ukraine and always will be.”
“So it sounds almost insoluble. Unless you find the the thief.”
“Not really. We just need to understand what happened. Nobody seems to have ours. The Congo is now just Congo. They were generous and offered it to us. They like Congo. We don’t like Ukraine. Someone has our the and we want it back “
I felt badly for the Ukraine but really for Ukraine without its cherished article. And I hadn’t understood the diplomatic issues. But I couldn’t help. I said good bye
The next day I received a collect call. The operator said it was from Ukraine. I corrected her, “the Ukraine.” It was daSilva.
“Hello Mr. Marquel, we found it.”
“You found your the?”
“Correct,” he said and added, “The GATT. “
“An international trade group. It’s the general agreement on trade and tariffs. It was never the GATT, just GATT. But they started calling themselves the GATT by borrowing ours. We became Ukraine at the same time. Then they were swallowed by the World Trade Organization, the WTO. GATT doesn’t exist anymore but they buried GATT with our the.”
“You mean your the is buried somehow with the defunct GATT? Where?”
“Well we don’t know really where those things are buried. But we’re going to start digging on the UN site on the East River. We’re sure it’s there somewhere.”
“Well good luck. How do Russia, EU, and the US feel about this?”
“We’re a bit unsure. There’s talk about a veto by one of the members of the security council. But we’re most worried about Congo. Despite what they say, they seem to miss the Congo.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, I would too.”
“Wouldn’t we all,” he said before saying “good bye.”
You may follow Marquel on Twitter @MarquelatTPV