[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-CjxASY3to[/embedyt]Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Religion and Violence Section correspondent was talking with his auntie on the phone, when he read An Attack on Love. Right-wing Hindu men are attacking Hindu women who marry Muslims — under the phony pretext that the women are victims of a supposed “love jihad.”
Whether it were true or not, Marquel found the idea of a love jihad perhaps the best news he’d read in the Times for a decade or more. Surely no more beheadings. What do you do on a love jihad? Marquel was a bit fearful to guess but he had some good ideas if he were ever sent on a love jihad. Surely this is the better face of Islam we’ve been looking for.
One problem, however is that the US military is only poised to counter a classic jihad. What would we do if ISIS were to shift to a love jihad?
Marquel arranged a Skype interview with the commander in charge of our anti ISIS forces.
“General, Are you prepared for ISIS to reverse course , abandon Jihad , and adopt instead a love Jihad ? ” asked Marquel.
“Love Jihad ? What the hell is that , ” he asked.
” It seems that sometimes Moslems substitute love for violence and find it a winning strategy.” said Marquel.
“If you don’t think we’re prepared, you’re wrong,” said the General.
“You have a strategy for this?” I asked.
“We can shift to M23s and M27s.” He explained.
“How would they help?” I asked, not even knowing what they were.
“Well the M23 carries a warhead of 150,00 condoms. The M27 has an equivalent dosage of Viagra. We also have the M4, but we need clearance to use that.” He asserted.
“What’s in the M4?” I asked.
The M4 is identical to the M23 but there are tiny pinholes in the condoms. The M4 is specifically designed for asymmetrical warfare.” He said.
“It sounds asymmetrical to me,” I said, “maybe even defective. But did you imagine that the Hindus would become violent over intermarriage? I feel like the world is coming apart.”
“Everybody is violent. The Muslims behead people. The Christians go on Crusades. The Jews fight over dilapidated buildings and arid land. The Hindus fight over their women. What else is new? I often think that if it weren’t for religion I’d be out of a job and couldn’t look forward to killing people.”
“It looks like you’re safe. Hindus! Can you imagine it?” I asked.
“Well their women are very attractive and they have all those sexual secrets, you know. Kama Sutra and all.” He winked.
“But just because of intermarriage, the Hindus are going nuts and kidnapping these women. And worse.”
“You have to remember the ferocity of the Muslim jihad. A love jihad might be especially threatening to the Hindus. They feel they need to defend themselves.”
“Against what?”
“They might be scared that the Muslims might discover their sexual secrets.” He noted.
“What kind of a threat is that?” I asked.
“If the Muslims have all those secrets, who’d want to be Hindu anymore? This is their ace in the hole.” He paused. “So to speak.”
“If the love jihad succeeds,” I asked, “how will that change your strategy?”
“It could have a fundamental influence. If those Muslim women are walking around in those burqas full of Hindu sex tricks,” he said, “our troops would need retraining. But frankly I don’t think that’ll happen.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“The burqas. You really don’t know what you’re getting. Sure you might find the Kama Sutra. But you also might find a man. Who’s to know? I think maybe the Hindus are overreacting. I’d give the love jihad 30% chance of success. At best.”
I was saddened. The thought of condoms falling from the sky, and Viagra. No more shock and awe. Just sex and erections. And maybe a little shock, too.
***
BY MARQUEL: I Wanna Be Your Man
Excellent piece. Thanks
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
This is a classic Bollywood paradigm, the Hindu right is a little late to complain about it now. Hindu women have always found Muslim men to be better looking. Just look at all of our male film stars Shahrukh Khan, Salman Khan, Saif Ali Khan, and so on. There is clear national consensus and the controversy is nothing but old fashioned jealousy. But marriage is a tricky thing. This love jihad could be the ultimate antidote for communal conflict or depending on how the marriage goes, the ultimate catalyst.
So well said:
“Everybody is violent. The Muslims behead people. The Christians go on Crusades. The Jews fight over dilapidated buildings and arid land. The Hindus fight over their women. What else is new? I often think that if it weren’t for religion I’d be out of a job and couldn’t look forward to killing people.”
I love the ending:
I was saddened. The thought of condoms falling from the sky, and Viagra. No more shock and awe. Just sex and erections. And maybe a little shock, too.
I love the M4