Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Locked and Loaded Section correspondent, was splashing water in his bathtub, when he heard a neighbor read aloud ‘No Guns for Christmas,’ and he shrugged in disbelief. Based on two police shootings in Ohio, this short documentary questions whether toy guns can really be innocent gifts.
Everybody knows there have been fatal police shootings of children who were playing with toy, but realistic, guns. Marquel read the article and wondered how they plan to keep guns out of children’s hands.
Marquel called the group opposing toy guns and got a guy named Scooge McDuck on the phone.
“Mr. McDuck, do you really want to keep toy guns out of little kids’ little hands? I don’t want to be sexist but toy guns to boys are like Barbie dolls to girls, with some exceptions of course. What kind of Christmas do you want?” Marquel asked.
“It goes beyond Christmas and toy guns. We want kids taught to point with their elbows. ” he said.
“One question is how that’s physically possible. But the other question of course is why.” I observed.
“It is possible and in fact quite convenient. Right now I’m on the phone holding a cup of coffee in my left hand but I can point to my cape with either elbow.” He said.
“Point to it again,” I said, and heard the unmistakable sound of a cup of coffee falling to the floor.
“It does take practice,” he said. “But the why is because little boys will play cops and robbers with whatever’s at hand, so to speak. And we really don’t want them using their hands for that because it could be mistaken for a gun. But if they start using their elbows to point they’ll use their elbows to shoot with too.” He explained.
“What about squirt guns? They could easily be mistaken for real guns also.” I noted.
“They have to go. Especially those giant guns that look like assault weapons.” He said.
“You’re not going to succeed. Much as we adults hate squirt guns, they’re the staff of life to kids in the hot summer.”
“I didn’t say we can’t have squirt guns, but as gun shaped objects they’ll have to go. We’ve thought a lot about what cops won’t shoot at and have some ideas.” He said.
“So they can have guns but they have to be a prescribed shape?” I asked. “Like what?”
“Doughnuts, little girls, and the flag.” He said.
“Let me get this straight. Doughnut shaped squirt guns? Cops won’t shoot? They’ve shot guys holding out wallets.” I said.
“Yes but they have unnaturally strong instincts for doughnuts. A cop will never shoot a doughnut.” He asserted.
“I think I agree with you,” I said, “and I guess they’d never shoot a little girl either. I think I get it.” I said. But I was to be disappointed.
“No you don’t. A cop’ll shoot a little girl as fast as he’ll nail a little boy. But if he sees a little boy holding a little girl in his hands he’ll assume it’s some sort of sexual activity. Cops tend to project their own instincts. A cop won’t shoot a little boy engaged in pedophilia so they’re safe with girl shaped squirt guns.” he explained.
“And the flag? How does that fit here?” I asked.
“We really don’t know. It’s just the third thing cops won’t shoot at. We think if all children were dressed in the flag, they would be safe ” he said. I could hear him pouring a new cup of coffee.
“Well this is starting to sound impossible. Mothers will not dress their kids in flags. Nor fathers, I don’t think. And little boys will always want guns.” I said.
“I think you’re overly pessimistic. If you tell a parent, these clothes could kill your kid, but these clothes will save his or her life, it wouldn’t be ignored. And if a kid really really insists on a gun, I say give it to him.” He said.
“What do you mean? Once some kids have toy guns they’ll all insist on it.” I said.
“But that’s not what we’re proposing.” He said.
“But you just said give him a gun,” I objected.
“But not a toy gun. We’re done with them.” He said.
“What kind of guns can kids have?” I asked.
“For safety, a real gun.” He said.
I would have dropped my coffee if I had any. “You want to give kids real guns?” I asked, incredulous.
“Much safer. If a kid wants a gun he should at least be able to defend himself. With a toy gun he’s defenseless. With a real gun, a cop pulls his weapon, it’s a fair fight. Maybe more than fair. Cops are notoriously bad shots. Most kids would probably come out the winner.” He said.
The guy was a bit nuts but also a bit right. He had something. But I couldn’t resist. “Point to that cape of yours one more time.”
I heard the crash, an “oh, damn.”
I hung up.
***
BY MARQUEL: The Word Is Not Enough
Excellent
Marquel at his craziest funniest moment
What a delightful Christmas present
Perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
doughnut shape guns? little girls shaped toy guns? I adore you Marquel
Yeah, another fan, M…welcome to the club