The New York Times only reported: Florida: ‘Warning Shot’ Bill Is Sent to Governor. Marquel, TPVs Times correspond
Florida, where a law called the “stand your ground” law gives you the right to shoot and kill someone even if you are sitting in your own private tank, has passed another law, this one aimed apparently at the faint of heart, a category heretofore thought extinct in that state. Apparently, thought Marquel, they are just an endangered species. He had to find out who these people who needed this new “warning shot” law were so they could use a warning shot before going in for the kill.
I sat down with state representative Ernie Remington Colt, who sponsored the warning shot law. “What’s the deal?” I asked.
“First of all, there is a group of citizens, of whom we are not especially proud, whom we call “the crybabies,” who simply don’t want to kill this scum. They seriously want to shoot their guns in the air like a group of Arab women, and scare their prey away.”
“Prey?” I wondered.
“It’s best to think of them in that way. I admit it’s tough to kill another human being. There’s paperwork, interviews, publicity, sometimes even an unhappy spouse who was secretly hoping things would work out in the opposite way. When you think of the prey as prey, it’s like you’re shooting a deer or porpoise. An armed porpoise. You could shoot them all day with no guilt. And no paperwork.”
“I think it might be illegal to shoot a porpoise,” I said.
“Well, if it is,” he said, taking down some notes and handing them to an aide, “we’ll change that faster than a fleeing felon.”
“So this law is just a sop to the lily-livered among us?” I asked.
“Well no,” he insisted, “the crybabies are just one faction. The law is really aimed at the sportsmen among us. You know, here you are, chasing some inner city kid, probably 11 years old who’s got a gun in his hand for the first time. You aim and shoot? Where’s the sport in that?”
“Yeah,” I drawled in my best southern manner, “it doesn’t seem sporting at all. In fact it sounds like murder.” I knew I’d gone too far. He bristled.
“No,” he insisted, “not with stand your ground. You have every right to stand your ground and shoot the mother fucker.”
“Yeah” I drawled again,” but you mentioned an inner city kid, er, prey. Do you think it’s a racial thing?”
“Well usually it’s black on white, that’s the nature of crime here in Florida.” He said, “We just want to make sure the right side wins.”
“Right side meaning white side?” I asked nervously.
“Well,” he answered, “let’s get back to the warning shot. Here you are, chasing this kid who’s got a gun. But he’s not shooting at you! We can change that.”
“Would you want to?” I inquired.
“Just follow the scenario. He’s got his back to you. You gonna shoot? You have the right to…but now you give a warning shot. He stops and turns. Maybe you shoot another warning shot. I know I would. Just shooting my gun makes my heart beat faster. You can shoot as many warning shots as you want but that’s not my point.”
“It’s not?” I wondered.
“No follow the scenario. You shoot a warning, he turns. He’s got a gun. You can shoot him in the head now, the body, the appendages. You can mess him up fucking good! Now that’s what I call a fair fight AND,” he emphasized, ” the good guy wins.”
“Hooya” I drawled. I was starting to feel ashamed that I felt like shooting a few warning shots myself. Florida seemed exciting, except for Orlando.
“Hooya” he responded, “I love writing these laws. We’ll have that porpoise problem solved in no time. I could call it the Marquel law, would you like that? No problem at all.”
“I think not,” I said, “I’m more of a potatoes and beef man myself.”
“I understand.” He said.
“So, in summary, this warning shot law does not make a big difference in terms of stand your ground.” I asked.
“That’s correct. It just makes it a more sporting and enjoyable experience.”
I thought to myself, “Hooya,” and wondered what it meant. It’s sort of like a verbal warning shot that Rednecks are near.
***
No Rednecks on Marquel’s Tweeter posse @MarquelatTPV.
Is this a stance against rednecks? Is that ethnic discrimination or just class warfare?
neither. Is pure un-americanism. Where is Joseph McCarthy when you need him? Drunk? or Dead?
rednecks, I always enjoy reading about them? Aren’t they an endangered species?
nope. you’re thinking about grizzly bears.
Finally, you wrote about me. I’m part of “the crybabies!” I love you Marquel
It is a very solid piece. I like it too.
…and? haven’t you forgotten something?
You are a great writer and satirist. Your social satire is so keep on the weak-minded among us. ANd I mean the politicans.
“So this law is just a sop to the lily-livered among us?” I asked.
Bravo!
Yes , Bravo!
Bro! You are fantastic. YOu are the only one who says it as he sees it, and you see it as it is.
“Well usually it’s black on white, that’s the nature of crime here in Florida.” He said, “We just want to make sure the right side wins.”