[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpjeVoWuxN4[/embedyt]Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Dogcatcher Section correspondent, was smelling his armpits when he read G.O.P. Hopefuls Honing Attacks Against Hillary Clinton. To win the party’s nomination in a contest over which Mrs. Clinton looms so large, likely Republican candidates are now jockeying to appeal to key groups. Marquel wondered about all this Hillaryphobia. It’s true, as the article said, she might raise as much as a billion dollars. But in order to win, people have to actually vote for her. That means pulling the lever or filling in the box next to Hillary’s name. Is any human being likely to do that? Marquel wasn’t sure there were enough clothespins in America to clamp that many noses as disgusted viewers cast that particular vote.
But it was worth investigating. Marquel sought out some political experts and pollers for information.
“Are these Republicans overreacting” asked Marquel of the first Republican poller he ran into.
“She’s certainly bankrolled a powerful campaign chest but the polls don’t support these Republican fears. Or at least not totally.” She said.
“What do the polls say?” I asked.
“She can beat every named potential candidate. Rand Paul, Christie, Cruz.” She answered.
“Then they have a lot to fear.” I observed.
“That depends. We’ve also polled some unknowns. The mayor of Sandusky Ohio, the state attorney of Montana, even Debbie Slovinski. They all crush Hillary.” She insisted.
“Who’s Debbie Slovinski?” I asked.
“That’s my seven year old goddaughter.” She said.
“You’re telling me that all the big name Republicans will get crushed by Hillary but any unknown will destroy her.” I said.
“Oh yes. And in the polls we revealed who Debbie was and they still preferred her. By ninety five per cent. We did a test poll with my hamster and even knowing that Puffy is a rodent, voters preferred him over Hillary.” She said.
“Well why is that? The whole thing sounds strange to me.” I said.
“We did a lot of follow up interviews. People don’t like the idea of Hillary sitting at the Presidents desk with some guy underneath it going at her. Especially with a cigar. They say it’s unpresidential.” She insisted.
“So they don’t want a man under the desk.” I said.
“Indeed. If it were a woman, like Monica, they wouldn’t mind it. We have a lot of polling on that. The only thing that could save Hillary, say all the polls, is if she were gay. A woman under the desk doesn’t offend the voters. In fact the cigar actually boosts her chances, according to all our interviews.”
“So in theory she could be our first female gay president. I guess Americans don’t mind women being dominated but they can’t take the thought of a man being humiliated.” I observed.
“Yes. Cigar or no cigar.” She said.
“What else might hold back Hillary.?” I asked.
“The campaign theme song. This woman’s almost seventy, you realize. Our information is that she favors Fleetwood Mac or Elton John. She even chose Abba as a possibility. This is a woman from another century and the voters know that.” She said, “in fact she chose ‘Rumours’ as her first choice until someone told her that was the album name, not a song.”
“Does nobody care that she’s an interventionist, warmonger, and liar?” I asked.
“That doesn’t seem to have any traction. People don’t care although the attraction of Debbie and Puffy was that they were unlikely to invade, torture, or deceive others.”
“Maybe other hamsters.” I suggested.
“That’s true. There wasn’t much sympathy shown for the hamster community in general but people are willing to vote for one.” She said.
I decided to speak to another Republican pollster and in fact I interviewed twelve others. They all had the same results, and their hamsters were mostly named Puffy too. The pollers didn’t seem very creative or imaginative but they were Republicans, of course. I asked one, “how come there are so many Republican pollsters?”
“It’s a phenomenon for sure,” he answered. “We’ve polled nationally and state by state. Sixty percent of all Republicans are also pollsters. There’s a lot of us.”
“But who is going to oppose Hillary? I understand only an unknown can beat her.Who are the Koch brothers going to support?” I asked.
“According to the polls, they can support themselves. They split the vote with Hillary fifty fifty.” He said
“Wow. Are they going to run?” I asked.
“They can’t agree on which one should top the ticket. They’re having trouble choosing a campaign theme song also. They favor Gilbert and Sullivan but it turns out they’re tone deaf and just like the rhymes.” He said.
“If the Republicans do choose an unknown, what does Hillary do?” I asked.
“She’s dead meat. It turns out also in an open Democratic primary she gets beaten by any hamster or seven year old.” He said.
“What about a cigar?” I asked.
“We’ve polled that. Democratic voters prefer any cigar to Hillary. It would be a landslide.” He said.
I went home. But first I bought a cigarillo. I rolled it between my fingers and eyed it. I started humming Hail to the Chief.
***
BY MARQUEL: Aliens in Love
Here you go! I was waiting for something like this!! THANK YOU, Marquel
Perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
loved it
excellent
I laughed until I felt wet…tears too many tears
splendid
yes!