Home By Marquel Baa Baa Black Sheep

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Two-Bit Dictator Section correspondent was visiting an English boarding school for boys checking up stories of consensual pedophilia when he read As Ukraine Talks Resume, Putin and Poroshenko Trade Barbs. Mediators held talks on the Ukrainian conflict on Monday, even as President Vladimir V. Putin accused Kiev of seeking to avoid autonomy for southeastern Ukraine. Ukraine accuses Putin of trying to destabilize Norway. Putin replies,

“if Norwegians want to separate from Norway they should have the right to vote on it. Finland, too.”

But Marquel spoke to the Ukrainians and they have quite a different take on this whole separation independence movement.
“Why not,” said the Ukrainian minister, Poroshenko, “have a vote in Chechnya, Dagestan, Ingushetia, North Ossetia, and Tatarstan. Just like Russia wants to have in Eastern Ukraine. I’m sure the Chechnyans would love to have a vote. In fact all the North Caucasus countries would live to vote on separation. How about that Putin?”
Putin replied, “That’s so silly I wonder why you pretend to understand foreign affairs. You must be Ukrainian.”
“Of course I’m Ukrainian. Did you ever hear of that?” He asked.
“”Yes, when I studied mental incompetents in psychology.” Said Putin.
“You know what I say to you, KGB boy?” Poroshenko asked, “Free Chechnya! Free Dagestan! Free Ingushetia! Free North Ossetia! Free Tartarstan!”
“Bah,” said Putin. Those countries are Russian. We can prove it.”
“Go ahead!” Challenged Poroshenko.
“Each of them is occupied by the Russian army. They are Russian territories.” Said Putin.
“Is that how you make Russian territories, by occupying them?” Asked Poroshenko.
“No, first they are Russian, then we occupy them.” Said Putin.
“That’s what you intend with Ukraine, I know” said Poroshenko. “First a phony vote, then Russian, then invasion.”
“We have real votes, ” said Putin.
“Like Chechnya?” Asked the Ukrainian. “Who voted on that?”
“I did,” said Putin, “and Minister Medvedev.”
“What kind of an election is that?” Asked Poroshenko.
“Representative democracy. Just like the Americans. We represent all the Federation, so we can also vote on separation.” Said Putin.
“So do you intend elections in China and Mongolia? And Azerbaijan, Belarus, Estonia, Georgia, Kazakhstan, North Korea, Latvia, Lithuania, and Poland?” Asked the angry Ukrainian.
“If they want elections, they should have them. Russia is the biggest country in the world. We have room for everyone. It’s a big tent like the Republican party.”
“And you will have elections like in Ukraine only after you invade them? To make sure they’re really Russian?” Poroshenko asked.
“We have not invaded. Many soldiers got lost at your poorly marked border with those signs pointing the wrong way. When will you return our soldiers?” Asked Putin.
“We’re having elections. Apparently many of them want to be separate from Russia. You must understand that.” Said Poroshenko.
Suddenly Putin leapt to the middle of the room. He had his hands out like a monkey or a bear. “I’ll fight you for those soldiers.”
The Ukrainian outweighed Putin by two hundred pounds. He willingly took up the challenge. They grappled in the middle of the room. Putin tried a throw but landed on the ground, the large Ukrainian standing over him. Putin was up immediately, grappling from behind. One tug and he was on the ground, the Ukrainian sitting with all 350 pounds on top of him.
“Let me up!” Said Putin, “this isn’t how it’s done, you fat pig.”
The Ukrainian bent Putin’s leg back and bit him. Putin screamed. Poroshenko said, “I vote for Ukraine. A sovereign country. Get out of my country and I’ll let you up.”
“And you won’t tell anybody about this?” Asked Putin.
“I’ll have to think about it.” Said the Ukraine.
“Well,” said Putin, getting up, “I’ll have to think about those elections.”
“You better think twice,” said the Ukrainian,” we all fight dirty in Ukraine. We learned it from our neighbors. Why don’t you go pick on Norway like I said?”
“We can’t find it,” said Putin.
“Just follow your soldiers,” said the Ukrainian, “they can get lost anywhere you tell them to.”
***
BY MARQUEL: Baa Baa Black Sheep

7 COMMENTS

  1. Liked calling Putin KGB boy, but for fairness sake you should call the same his Ukrainian counterpart

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