Marquel TPVs NYTimes CUOMO-TEACHOUT DEBATE EXCLUSIVE! was shining his shoes when he read- Cuomo Is Running but Isn’t One to Talk About It.
The week before the Democratic primary, Andrew M. Cuomo continues to avoid uttering the name of his Democratic opponent, Zephyr Teachout, let alone debating her. So Marquel decided to do something about it. He called Cuomo headquarters and asked if a private debate wouldn’t be to their political advantage.
“How’s that?” Asked Cuomo’s aide.
“Well,” said Marquel, “he’s being shamed because he won’t debate. But that’s because he doesn’t want or need public exposure as the front runner. But a private debate avoids any public exposure and proves Cuomo’s man enough to debate.”
“Good idea. We’ll get back to you.”
And they did. This evening both Cuomo and Teachout showed up at Pothole headquarters for a debate moderated by Marquel, who believes neutrality is for fools and the Swiss.
Cuomo’s aide came first saying,
“hey this is just a bar. What’s the deal?”
Marquel responded, “yeah but it’s an empty bar. They don’t even have a bartender. Can you think of a better place to debate?”
The aide clapped Marquel on the back, saying,
“good thinkin’.”
“So,” said Marquel, “why doesn’t Prof.Teachout sit at this end of the bar and governor Cuomo at the other side. I’ll be right here in the middle. Tell me if you want a beer or whatever and I’ll ask the questions.”
“How long do we get to answer?” Asked the governor.
“I’ve been thinking about that.” Said Marquel. ” I thought you could answer as long as you want but if your opponent wants you to finish, he or she has to drink a shot. Here’s a shot for each of you. Otherwise the answers end when they end, okay?”
Both sides seemed to grunt and remained staring into their respective shots.
“Here we go,” I said. “Governor, why have you refused to debate professor Teachout for such a long time and never mention her as your opponent?”
“That’s simple,” he said, “she’s not my opponent. I have no opponent. I don’t even know her. I never heard of her. Who is she?”
I looked at Teachout.
“That’s such horse scrapple,” she said, “he went to court with $500 per hour lawyers to block my candidacy. Twice! I won twice. He knows who I am. He dreams about me. That creeps me out.”
“Governor?” I asked.
“I dream about lots of girls. She’s just one of them. What business is it of hers?” Said Cuomo.
“Let’s move on,” I said. “Governor, you said debates are anti democratic. How did you mean that?”
“Simple. Here we are at a debate. Anybody voting? That’s the heart of democracy. Nobody has ever voted at a debate. Blah blah blah blah. A lot of fancy talking but no voting. Talk about anti democratic. That’s why she wants a debate. She’s against democracy.”
“I’m for an informed electorate. A debate gives them the information necessary for voting. Does the governor want an uninformed electorate?” She asked.
“It’s not my business what the electorate is like. You may think they’re stupid. I say leave them alone. Stupid or not they have a right to vote for me.”
“I didn’t say stupid. That’s your word. I said uninformed ” she said.
Let’s go on,” I said, “governor you promised to tax the rich. Instead you gave them tax breaks. Are you a man of your word?”
“I’m a governor. Not a professor. I have a state to run. You tax when you can or when you have to. But rich people don’t like to pay taxes, something the little lady here probably doesn’t understand. What do you want me to do? Tax the poor? Great suggestion, professor.”
“Governor,” I said, “I don’t think she suggested that. I think she has suggested you lied when you said you would tax the rich.”
“Yes, he did lie.” She said.
I asked, “do you think he’s a crook too?”
“Well the US attorney is presently investigating him. When the Moreland Commission started investigating him and his cronies, he fired them all. Let me ask you this: does that say guilty or not? Crook or no crook….”
Cuomo drank a shot in one second flat and shouted,
“my turn!”
“Okay,” I said, “you’re right. Crook or no crook?”
“What does it matter?” Asked Cuomo. “I’m the governor. Is she the governor?”
I looked at Teachout.
“I’m going to be governor because I’m going to win this primary. And I’m going to win because this is a contest between honesty and dishonesty, between a crook and an honest citizen.”
“But Professor,” I said, “the governor says it doesn’t matter if he’s a crook.”
“I think the people feel otherwise. He said he’d protect the environment but encourages fracking. He said he’d crack down on Wall Street but gave them tax breaks. He said he’d get rid of ethics violations then fired the ethics commission. Crook or no crook?” She asked.
Cuomo downed another shot. I had one myself.
“My turn!” Said Cuomo.
“Sure is,” I said, refilling his glass and mine.
“What is this crook business? I’m the governor, not a crook. When the people vote next week, they’ll see me…And only me. This lady is nobody.” He said.
“Well,” I interrupted, “she’s not nobody, she’s running for governor. Let me ask her. Have you ever been a crook? Promised to tax the rich but failed? Supported frackers and other environmental criminals? Given Wall Street a break?”
“Never, never, never.” She said.
Cuomo downed another shot.
“My turn!”
“Go ahead, governor.”
“Thish ish foolish,” he said. “Is that single malt? Gimme nuther.”
“It’s right in front of you,” I remarked.
He drank another and continued.
“You don’t know how hard it is…” He paused and tried to focus, “everybody wants something and when you give them it some body says corru…corru… corrrupshun. Then they investigate me and find the $200,000, or whatever and I have to fire them.” His head hit the bar.
“Professor?” I questioned.
“I think this is a clear contest between honesty and dishonesty, ethical government and corruption, a crook and honesty. When people vote next week all they have to do is ask whether they want an honest governor. They’ll see my name.”
“My turn. My turn!” Said the governor, downing a shot, then asking for a refill.
“This is fun. Professor, want to go out drinking next week? How about primary night?” He crossed the bar unsteadily, put his head up against Teachout‘s, and nuzzled her ear. “You wouldn’t believe what I dream about you. Baby, you’d love it.”
She pushed him away and said,
“I think this debate is over, what do you think Marquel?”
“I hadn’t really thought how to end it but it seems to have happened all by itself.” She and I carried Cuomo to the door where his aide put him in a limo saying,
“not again.”
I said good night to Teachout, we shook hands and watched Cuomo drive away. He had his head out the window and was screaming,
“my turn! My turn! My turn!”
Nobody noticed. Another typical night in the Big Apple with the governor.
***
BY MARQUEL: CUOMO-TEACHOUT DEBATE TPV EXCLUSIVE
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
I know it is quaint to say the same thing over and over, but perhaps a bit of variations is needed? I like M’s writing too, but I sort of dread reading him now that you have to endorse him. Can we assume that you always like him, even if you probably do not read him like I do?
Man, you have been holding your breath for a long time
🙂
People don’t vote in primaries. It is going to be hard for Teachout to make any splash
You’re right and the upstate loves Cuomo. The more NYC Democrats hate Cuomo, the more the upstate ones will stand by him.
Well done M.
I have to say that your portrait of Cuomo does not ring true. The guy would rather drink urine than be caught off-guard.