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Family Guys

Open Letter to the Chinese, Korean, and Russian Mafia
from NYPD Commissioner

June 7, 2015

Dear Partners in Crime,

A day after D-Day, NYC beaches are open. Please take your family there, not some unidentifiable bodies. Today the traffic is good. Visit our Italian friends in Atlantic City.

In other words please don’t engage in anything you wouldn’t do without my advice. Our NYPD bravest and finest are spending the day in Bavaria, at the 41st G7 summit held in the ski resort, of Schloss Elmau, where Angie Merkel is facing a crowd that, if left alone, might convey a rational message. Angie can’t afford that.

We sent them our best officers who had been stripped of their gun and shooting rights so they would be eager to impress.

Merkel has brought in 22,000 German police to take care of the 5000 pacifist demonstrators, but the Mayor and I wondered if that was enough. Of course it’s not. No tax payer wants to spend overtime money on police if nothing happens. Apparently the German protesters are perfectly behaved, adding to their credibility. They say please and thank you and finish their beer. Angie says she needs enough violence to turn this well behaved group into a mob. That’s what the NYPD does.  We promised Merkel that something would happen. New York’s finest will save them.

Between many pints of beer and soft pretzels, NYPD will teach their German counterparts our finest techniques:

  1.  unprovoked 15-second chokeholds and
  2. shooting unarmed people while being able to say they were provoked, and
  3. a minimum of 41 completely wild shots against unarmed protesters, and finally
  4. highly crafted perjury supported by even more highly crafted perjury.

The German police might have been once great, but they’ve been replaced.

So please partners, no fun tonight. Let’s all have a quiet family day.




By DANA NEACSU: Family Guys


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