Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Suspicious Happenings Section correspondent was cleaning his shoes when he read Microsoft’s New Fitness Tracking Device Is a Welcome Surprise. The company’s new wearable device may be the most flexible of its kind on the market right now. It will fit comfortably on any appendage or organ. Its advantage is that no one knows they’re wearing it. It’s basically a GPS that looks like a bracelet, or a silly Armstrong band, and feels like nothing.
Marquel wondered what Microsoft’s marketing strategy might be. He went to the Apple store. Because he liked the glass. And also because they probably knew more about Microsoft than Microsoft does. Especially since there’s not much to know about Apple except that they’re two years behind the times.
The Apple guy confirmed my instincts. “We know all about Microsoft. Anything you want to know. Whenever they get a new idea, which isn’t often, we copy it. What did you want to know?”
“This new fitness bracelet. Apparently you can’t feel it. What’s that all about?” I asked.
“It’s a GPS. You can’t feel it. Get it?”
“Get what?” I asked.
“You can tell where she is every moment of the day!” he explained patiently.
“Who is she?” I asked.
“Wife, girlfriend, partner, spouse, husband, anyone. Just slip it on them, pick up your phone and track ’em.” He said.
“You’re saying that’s what this is for, not for fitness, but for jealous spouses?” I asked.
“Damned right,” he said, “how many people run around the track?”
“I don’t know,” I said, “couple hundred maybe.
“And how many just run around?” He asked, seriously. I shrugged.“Five million,” he said, “according to Microsoft research.”
“You have access to that?” I asked.
“It’s like Apple. That’s why they chose the name. It’s as easy as peeling an Apple. Same with Microsoft. The security is like a safety pin on a diaper.” He said.
“But still, they’re selling it as a fitness accessory,” I added, “not a cheater detector.”
“Watch the ads,” he said, “they’ve got guys running and they notice their wives passing by with another man. Then he looks at the bracelet and has an aha moment. It’s all pretty obvious.”
“So this is what Microsoft has in mind?” I asked.
“Remember Microsoft is a competitor of Apple whose goal has always been how you look. Their design is always top flight,” he said, “and you don’t look good when your partner is dating another person. Microsoft is imitating the Apple brand. It’s what they do.”
“I would think the best thing to do is leave the device in the gym while you’re on your date.” I said.
“But that won’t work because you don’t even know you’re wearing it. Your partner can put it on your leg during the night. Or any other appendage. You won’t see it. You won’t feel it. They should name it, ‘gotcha!‘ “
I couldn’t stop wondering who’s got whom in that situation. I think it’s Microsoft. They’ve got their customers by the…appendages.
***
BY MARQUEL: Gotcha!
loved this:
The Apple guy confirmed my instincts. “We know all about Microsoft. Anything you want to know. Whenever they get a new idea, which isn’t often, we copy it. What did you want to know?”
funny
stupid funny. but funny
Funny!
“Remember Microsoft is a competitor of Apple whose goal has always been how you look. Their design is always top flight,” he said, “and you don’t look good when you’re partner is dating another person. Microsoft is imitating the Apple brand. It’s what they do.”