Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Suspicious Happenings Section correspondent was cleaning his shoes when he read Microsoft’s New Fitness Tracking Device Is a Welcome Surprise. The company’s new wearable device may be the most flexible of its kind on the market right now. It will fit comfortably on any appendage or organ. Its advantage is that no one knows they’re wearing it. It’s basically a GPS that looks like a bracelet, or a silly Armstrong band, and feels like nothing.
The Apple guy confirmed my instincts. “We know all about Microsoft. Anything you want to know. Whenever they get a new idea, which isn’t often, we copy it. What did you want to know?”
“It’s a GPS. You can’t feel it. Get it?”
“You can tell where she is every moment of the day!” he explained patiently.
“Wife, girlfriend, partner, spouse, husband, anyone. Just slip it on them, pick up your phone and track ’em.” He said.
“Damned right,” he said, “how many people run around the track?”
“And how many just run around?” He asked, seriously. I shrugged.“Five million,” he said, “according to Microsoft research.”
“It’s like Apple. That’s why they chose the name. It’s as easy as peeling an Apple. Same with Microsoft. The security is like a safety pin on a diaper.” He said.
“Watch the ads,” he said, “they’ve got guys running and they notice their wives passing by with another man. Then he looks at the bracelet and has an aha moment. It’s all pretty obvious.”
“Remember Microsoft is a competitor of Apple whose goal has always been how you look. Their design is always top flight,” he said, “and you don’t look good when your partner is dating another person. Microsoft is imitating the Apple brand. It’s what they do.”
“But that won’t work because you don’t even know you’re wearing it. Your partner can put it on your leg during the night. Or any other appendage. You won’t see it. You won’t feel it. They should name it, ‘gotcha!‘ “