Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Reverse Stockholm Syndrome Section correspondent, was reading Marcel Proust, when he decided to skim the Times and his attention was drawn to ISIS Tactics Questioned as Hostages Dwindle.
Analysts who study terrorist groups said the militants’ tactics had backfired badly, particularly in Jordan. The fact is that ISIS misses their hostages. The famed Stockholm Syndrome posits that the longer a hostage is in captivity, the more a bond grows between them. The hostage occasionally joins his or her captors, à la Patty Hearst.
“We have a terrible shortages of hostages,” said an Isis spokesperson.
“What do you plan to do?” Marquel wondered.
“I think we need an accounting system. That’s the root of the problem. You might say we are not really good at counting heads,” he said.
“What would an accounting system do for you?” Marquel asked.
“First, a more reliable head count. Then a cold look at the numbers. Right now we’re on an austerity budget, not spending any more heads than we have. Before we were in a deficit position. No nation can exist like that for long,” he said.
“And your immediate plans?” Marquel asked.
“We have asked several institutional sources. We have applied to the IMF and the World Bank for hostage loans. They offered us some guy named Alan Greenspan, but we thought he was already dead. You can’t ransom a dead man.”
“Of course Iran offered us several, several hundred in fact. But they are all farmers locked up for tax arrears. Not a good source of funding. They would be good for beheading because they’re used to it. But that’s publicity, not money.”
“Surprisingly the U.S.made us an interesting offer. Barack told us that he could arrange for the Clintons to visit the area where we could kidnap them.”
“Worse than scandalous. She would be a horror to keep and a joy to ransom but then what would we do with Bill?”
The ISIS man sounded thoughtful before saying, “we have intelligence, very reliable evidence, that once she got back home, she’d just as soon leave him here.”
“That’s the problem,” he said, with a tearful voice, “we miss our hostages. It’s not the same just having a few heads left over. We enjoyed the conversation. You can’t do that with just the head. All the same there are some heads we’ve kept, just out of friendship.”
“Head conservation. We’re going green. We’re no longer going to spend heads like they grow on trees. They grow on people.” He said.
“Indeed, indeed,” he said. “I liked them all.”
“We in the Middle East have grown used to that.”
Crazy funny
loved it
horribly funny
such savages
I am very uneasy about all this ISIS stuff. They are like a plague. Horrible
perfect pitch
indeed. you did a splendid job with something which scares me mortally. ditto
ditto2