Home Highlights Under Health Care Act, Millions Eligible for Free Policies

Under Health Care Act, Millions Eligible for Free Policies

Federal subsidies will pay the entire monthly cost of some plans being offered in the online marketplaces, a surprising figure that has not gotten much attention, in part because the zero-premium plans come with serious trade-offs.

The largest tradeoff, despite the free cost, is that these policies do not pay doctors or other health care providers. What they do provide, however, is “the full gamut of health insurance features without the final payment,” according to the health insurance association.

“A lot goes on before payment is made in all policies,” said Barack Obama in an exclusive private one-on-one with this reporter.

“This provides all of that, absolutely all, except the payment. Despite paying nothing and, let’s face it, being poor as shit, you get the entire health insurance experience. The entire health insurance experience! For free! You actually get more!”

The president was asked what this means concretely. He conferred with the plan’s administrator for a minute and then proceeded to answer the question.

“You get a card. An insurance card. With a number. Your number. You fill out the forms at your doctors office. And again at the hospital of course if you go there which in this case you definitely will. Later you file your claim with the insurance company. At no cost to you! It’s all subsidized by the U.S. Government. And this is all exactly what you would do with the most comprehensive luxury health insurance policy.”

“Is that it?” We asked. The president chuckled.

“Of course not. You file the claim and then after an inordinate time, you get a rejection just as in the most expensive policies.”

“But then what?” We asked.

“Why, you get the right to appeal.” We were puzzled and the Chief of State perceptively noticed. “You get to spend several hours filling out the appeal. You can then telephone the company if you disagree with the appeal. The number’s right on the back of YOUR CARD! You can call and you’ll be put on hold for at least an hour and a half. Don’t do this on your cell phone,” said Obama, laughing charismatically.

“But is that it? It sounds like a fraud quite honestly, Mr. President.”

“Absolutely not. You get to actually speak to a representative of the company and you can argue your case. Like a lawyer. I’m a lawyer, you know.”

“But,” we started.

“No buts. What I’ve described to you is the entire health insurance experience which everybody in America now will get. This is a revolution.”

“But what about the payment?” We asked.

“Well remember this is an absolutely free policy. There are no frills. No payment, no concierge services, no open panel. But I told you before you actually get MORE than the full health insurance experience of the most luxurious policies. This policy guarantees UNLIMITED telephone calls to complain about any rejections with which you might happen to disagree. They will NEVER hang up on you. What health policy makes that promise? And it’s my promise to you.”

“Thank you Mr. President.”

“Don’t thank me. It’s my promise of what everyone deserves. Health insurance for everyone including free policies for our least fortunate.” The president coughed and one of his permanent medical staff put a thermometer in his mouth.

We said good bye. He grunted and he added something in …code.

[youtube id=2x1NPfN2L5g width= 470 height=315]

For the NY Times version, go to http://nyti.ms/1alVm0z.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Mine has been IDENTICAL too. Except sometimes my wife uses a fax machine to communicate with her insurance company.

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