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I Want Your Sex. Safely

Marquel TPVs NYTimes Keep It Up Section correspondent, was wondering about Scientology, when he felt a desire to rid the world of insanity and read Indefinite Safe Sex Urged for Liberian Ebola Survivors. After an Ebola death, scientists want to gather more information on the length of time the virus might remain present in semen. The scientists’approach seemed to defy all human factors, but Marquel thought they must know what they’re talking about. Perhaps, as is commonly said by experts, we’re not aware of even a small part of our abilities. But this exceeded all expectations, at least Marquel’s expectations. Indefinite sex? It sounded like some cheap internet come-on.

Marquel could not get the scientist but he did get an appointment with the Liberian minister of health. “What’s this about infinite sex?”

“Indefinite sex. There is a difference between the two. Infinite sex never ends. Many married men feel that’s what they’ve signed up for. Indefinite sex, however, has many meanings.” He said.

“Really? What are those meanings?” I asked.

“The primary meaning seems to be sex that doesn’t end right now, extends into the future, but ends at some undefined moment in the future.” He said.

“So the participants know it will end but not when?”

Yes. And we won’t know until the scientists tell us. Maybe a few weeks more, à few months, or longer.” He said.

“Did they give you any indication?” I asked.

“None at all. We received the same directions you did. ‘Be sure all participants have indefinite safe sex.’ “

“But you said there were several meanings.” I reminded him.

“Well yes. Less common meanings would include just indefinite intimate contact such that the sex is indefinite. No time constraints on that, I guess.” He said.

“You said other meanings?” I urged.

“Well yes. The third isn’t either. They are not sure that they have had sex. It’s frequently accompanied by the inquiry, ‘is it in?’ So you can see how the participants would be less than definite.”

“So how did you decide on the first meaning?” I asked.

“It’s the only one that is definable across the board and enforceable. We can’t require snuggling or whipping or massage, let’s say. That kind of indefinite sex is too individual. The third meaning is unintended and we cannot require or enforce an unintended sexual act. But we can enforce indefinite intercourse. If they start, they can’t stop until we tell them to, and we have to wait till the scientists tell us to stop them.”

“So how many people are having indefinite sex in this city right now?”

“Something over 9700. As far as we know that’s everyone who has had Ebola or been exposed to it. We know because we have ministry employees delivering food and water to each couple.”

“And when did the first couple start?” I asked.

“The first notice we received was three weeks ago Wednesday at noon.” He said.

“That’s almost a month! One would think that’s physically impossible.” I said.

“Well there are two different explanations. One is that we use less than ten per cent of our abilities in everything we do. But when more is required, we find the ability. The second explanation is some side effect of Ebola.” He said.

“Why would that be?” I asked.

“We don’t understand it. But I suppose every cloud has it’s silver lining.”

“But how did you convince them to do this. And how can they go on like this forever…or indefinitely?” I asked. “It’s not normal.”

“We had to cheat a little. We told them it is the only way to avoid an instantly fatal case of the disease.” He said. “They went back to their houses in droves and started right in.”

“And you are supposed to check their sperm? What have you found?” I asked.

“What we found was no sperm. They seem to have run out.” He said.

“Well most men would, wouldn’t they?” I asked.

“We have found that all men would. But we’ve found the women are just as exhausted. Most of them are dying for a smoke but we, as medical personnel, cannot accommodate that request.” He said.

“Speaking as a scientist, what do the results tell you so far?” I asked.

“Well first of all, we’ve had no new cases of Ebola. We attribute that to everybody with the virus or exposed to it are at home or wherever having indefinite sex.” He said.

“The streets do seem much less crowded.” I observed.

“Yes far fewer car accidents. And less Ebola. We are beginning to suspect that was the whole point.”

“So this isn’t about virus in sperm, it’s about finding a distraction for carriers and possible carriers?” I asked.

“Could be. They tell us nothing. But I like the results. Nine months from now, who knows….” He worried.

“But they’re all using condoms.” I said.

“Yes, but it’s been the same condom for a month. Think about it.”

It was an ugly thought. I got on the plane back to EWR whistling “Happy Birthday.

***

By MARQUEL: I Want Your Sex. Safely

 

8 COMMENTS

  1. I almost wrote as funny as safe sex can be, but that’s not true. Is as fun as sex, any sex can be…Excellent bro!

  2. Gosh, were you drunk when you wrote this? This is brilliant. you are good but this is brilliant. I love mother fucker!

  3. I love the touch of George Michael…who would remember that guy….he was sexy though.

  4. brilliant. it has a t at the end and I agree with you. Marquel is brilliant

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