The Odd Couples

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Odd Couple Section correspondent was reading a collection of Neil Simon’s plays when he read Prince Andrew and Alan Dershowitz Are Mentioned in Suit Alleging Sex With Minor.  Both men have denied the allegations, which claim that Jeffrey E. Epstein, a businessman, forced an underage woman to have sexual relations with several men.

Alan Dershowitz and Prince Andrew? One with no brains, the other with a one track brain saying Jews can do no wrong, except for those Jews who are truly Jewish and recognize a biblical duty to take care of the stranger, whom Dershowitzs would prefer to be shot, if it’s Palestinian.. What would a woman underage or not, see in such an unlikely and certainly incompatible group? This is the strangest sex scandal of the new decade.

Marquel knew this merited investigation. He found the girl alone in a midtown bar nursing a beer and sipping from a Starbucks. She was wearing a heavy sheared beaver coat which Marquel found quite elegant, but wore underneath it a small sunsuit meant for summer weekends. What’s with this woman, Marquel asked himself.

“I don’t mean to pry,” said Marquel “but Dershowitz and an English royal wouldn’t be found in the same room, let alone the same bed, let alone the same woman. How’d you manage it?”

 “You’re right those two were strange. I told them it was free. That’s all.” She said.

“The English guy didn’t say a word. I mean not a word. When he left he just waved in this really stiff way. The Jew didn’t stop talking for a moment. He kept whispering legal advice in my ear, and then started talking about Jerusalem and how it should be the capital. I didn’t know what he was saying and wanted to ask a question but he didn’t stop. I don’t think he breathes. He just talks. He offered to pay for both, but I figured I probably owed him for all that talking even though I understood none of it.” She said.

“Oh sure. He sent me that mayor guy and the police union fellow. They really hate each other so I had to stay between them, limiting the positions if you know what I mean.”

“Well that couple was as unsuccessful as the first. When the mayor finished the cop guy insisted on turning around, which is a physically impossible position. I felt sorry for him but he said he didn’t mind and he’d just go out and shoot someone. I hope he was kidding.” She said.

“Heck they were just the beginning. I had a banker and some kid from occupy Wall Street that Epstein sent. They argued the whole time about who was paying what.”

“Well the kid went free because he had no money. He offered me a cheese Danish. The banker wanted to package me and sell shares. I told him I wasn’t into any kinky stuff so he just charged the whole thing to his bank.”

“I don’t mind. I met some famous people.” She said.

“Hmmm… I can’t remember now but…Oh yes, Bill and Hillary. They were interesting but so…different, just like all the ones Epstein sent me.”

“To tell the truth, she was a bit bossy. Nothing he wanted was approved by her. He wanted to do something with a cigar, but she said, ‘NOW Bill. Remember you quit,” and she pulled it right out.” she said.

“She really didn’t care.  She said, ‘I’ll do anything, just don’t get my dress messy.’ She harassed Bill so much he left unsatisfied, but she stayed to the end. I did what she said and it worked for her.” She said.

“She told me at the end to just repeat, ‘I’ll vote for you, I’ll vote for you’ and it worked like a charm. I wish there was something I could have done for the cop.” She bemoaned.

“I couldn’t get that gun away from him. He was holding it to the mayor’s head almost the whole time. Except when he turned around. Then it was too late.” She said.

“How’s that?” She asked.