Home By Marquel Republican Ingenuity

Republican Ingenuity

The last Republican debate opened a new season of the campaign shaped by the glaring policy fissures that are dividing Republicans, from immigration and bank regulation to taxes and national security. Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Keeping Up With The Trumps correspondent, Marcios, Bushes, Christies, Almonds, Pistachios, Macadamias, and Other Nuts Section correspondent., was sulking over the difference between “

to be or not to be an idiot, Marquel, that is the real question”,

when he distracted himself with the crinkle the Times makes when you read it in print.  He found another question, less personal, to ponder on: What is a Republican? The question had platonic overtones. Nobody knows what the Republicans stand for and yet they’re still willing to vote for one, position be damned.

So, do Republicans believe in anything? I asked them all. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump.

I asked them some questions about the nation’s debt. I couldn’t find a common link. They were all over the map. If you ask them about climate change, again all over the map. Infrastructure, again all over the map. Too big to fail,? All over the map but the beginning of a consensus. They disagree on remedies. Pretty much the same with climate change. So I asked the whole group.

“What do you guys think of at least some higher taxes?” I asked.

Messrs. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump, all said, “No! Absolutely not ” They were a determined group.

“Well, then, how do you feel about social security?” I asked. Again they answered in Unison: “Dump it! It’s just another welfare program.”

I felt like I was on common ground. “immigration?” They answered, “Boo! Send them all back where they came from.”

What a surprise. We’d found common ground. I thought of another from my list. “How about global warming as a human caused problem? Messrs. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump, all shouted, “No such thing.” But the fact was that they were all sweating, and I asked again about global warming.

“It’s just a temporary phenomenon”, said in unison Messrs. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

Messrs. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump, all answered, “Air conditioning, you idiot!”

“But that just produces more carbon footprint,” I noted.

“We don’t need footprints,” said Messrs. Jeb Bush, Ben Carson I, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, and Donald Trump. “We need air conditioning. If climate change is human caused, then air conditioners can cure it. Have you no faith in American ingenuity?” They asked.

I thought about that. Human ingenuity, certainly. That’s our only hope. Republicans? I hadn’t noticed any ingenuity, human or otherwise.

***

By MARQUEL: Republican Ingenuity

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