Marquel, TPVs NYTimes puzzle section correspondent, was polishing his nails when he received a phone call to read Syria Suicide Bombing Puts U.S. Face on Jihad Video. After a young Florida man killed dozens in a suicide attack in Syria, American officials are concerned that others will join extremists there and in Iraq.
Marquel was puzzled. Florida is the state where a young black man was gunned down by a wannabe loser licensed by state law, as all Florida citizens are, to kill someone when they feel uncomfortable even if a place of perfect comfort is readily available. Marquel also believed that Florida is the state where a movie patron was shot dead for texting his daughter during the movie.
Marquel first wondered whether there was another Florida law that might make texting during a movie a criminal offense. But he was still puzzled by the reaction of government officials to a report that a Florida man didn’t kill any fellow Floridians but, instead, went halfway around the world to commit suicide and at the same time take several dozen Muslims with him.
The puzzlement was on several levels. Do we care more about Muslims than other peoples? Do we care more about other countries’ citizens than our own? Do we want Floridians only to kill other Floridians? Indeed it was a puzzle.
When it comes to killing there’s only one platinum source. The NRA.
I sat down with a spokesperson and asked him.
“The newspapers said we are afraid that others will join extremists in Syria and Iraq” I said. “The NRA says it wants to protect innocent citizens lives, and I believe the NRA. So what’s wrong with getting rid of the crazies and have them work out their problems overseas where our innocent citizens won’t be harmed? I don’t get it.”
“Well,” he said, and then paused for a while. “I don’t get it either. It saves innocent American lives and gets rid of a slew of A-rabs at the same time. I’d think we should be happier than pigs in manure.”
“Shit,” I corrected.
“Huh?” He said, looking shocked.
“Shit,” I said, “pigs in shit. The expression is pigs in shit, not manure.”
“You’re right,” he said, “but NRA policy is to maintain G standards, not PG. And also to avoid polysyllables when possible, so our members won’t be offended and so they can understand us.”
It was clear that the government and the NRA were not on the same wavelength on this issue, which rarely happens, so I said good bye and went to the State Department, which let me in but offered no spokesperson except for the cashier in the lunch room.
I asked him, “Why does the government care If an American blows himself up in Syria?”
“Would you like to blow yourself up in Syria?” He asked.
“No,” I said, “but if I did, why would the government care so much?”
“Paperwork.” He said simply.
“What paperwork?” I questioned.
“Are you crazy?” He asked, “you should see our employees when something like this happens. They have to fill out forms, cancel passports, arrange funeral and travel expenses.”
“There’s so much work the State Department adopts a policy in response?” I wondered.
“A lot more than usual,” he said.
“How much is usual?” I questioned.
“Nothing,” he answered, “usually these guys do nothing all day. What would you do if you were in the State Department?” He asked.
“Nothing, I guess, they won’t even give me a spokesperson so I’m sure they wouldn’t give me anything important to do.”
“Important or not,” he insisted, “normally they do nothing all day.”
“Even so, maybe even more so,” I remarked, “it’s just one job in maybe months.”
“But there’s also the thinking part.” He said.
“Huh?” I articulately inquired.
Well,” he said, “everybody was involved in this issue. It’s a legal dilemma. It’s illegal to provide material support to terrorists.”
“And?” I inquired, in my best journalism school manner, having never attended journalism school.
“Well, committing suicide is a strange way to offer material support,” he said. “There were debates and even fights in the lunchroom over whether killing yourself is offering support to terrorists or just the opposite, depriving them of your support. They couldn’t figure it out.”
“And?” I continued.
That’s why they adopted this policy of opposing having Americans go abroad to join terrorists. It raises questions they can’t answer.” He explained.
“Wasn’t Hillary the head of the State Department when she was Secretary of State?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he answered, “Why?”
“I don’t know,” I said, “just wondering.”
I left and went home, just as puzzled as when I started the day.
***
BY MARQUEL:
Excellent. Thanks
Funny. The paperwork
Loved this:
“Are you crazy?” He asked, “you should see our employees when something like this happens. They have to fill out forms, cancel passports, arrange funeral and travel expenses.”
“There’s so much work the State Department adopts a policy in response?” I wondered.
“A lot more than usual,” he said.
“How much is usual?” I questioned.
“Nothing,” he answered, “usually these guys do nothing all day.
Excellent piece.
I always wish those murder suicide guys would switch it up, do the suicide first and if that goes OK, then kill a bunch of other people. I know it doesn’t make sense, but they’re crazy so who knows.
Note: I know, technically, if you blow yourself up, you are doing the suicide first, but I’m thinking about something like a 30 day waiting period.
As for the Florida thing – they’re embarrassed. When your kid puts a whole hot dog in his mouth and it’s just the family it’s like, fine, choke yourself to death but don’t expect me to help you. But in a restaurant? Embarrassing, so out comes the verbal abuse.