U.S.A. = Torture, Inc.

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Domination Section correspondent, was thinking about composing a new prayer book, when he read Panel Faults C.I.A. Over Brutality and Deceit in Terrorism Interrogations. The scathing report, which took five years to produce, is a sweeping indictment of the C.I.A. interrogation program carried out in secret prisons after the Sept. 11 attacks.

The devil, however, is in the details. Since the Times listed 7 key points about the report, TPV is forced to list 8 even more key points.

1. George Bush authorized and oversaw the torture program. He defends it by referring to his dog. “That critter just can’t drown. Neither can a Muslim. God meant ‘m to be tortured or he wouldn’t made them down proof.”
2. The torture program was run by the government’s most experienced professionals. The report makes much of the fact that some torturers only had a year or two of experience. But those are the most experienced the NSA and CIA have. Most people don’t want to torture for a living. Would you? A year is usually enough for most but the most devoted and idealistic torturers.
3. Torturing did in fact reveal important information. Although many are citing the report to support the argument that torture doesn’t work, a lot of information was gathered through torture. The report lists them:
   1. The Brooklyn Bridge can be bought at a very low price from a guy who works at Bowlmor Lanes who calls himself Ahab,
   2. Three thousand acres of swampland in Florida are for sale and can be drained with paper towels. Also available from Ahab,
   3. The White House is impregnable,
   4. George Bush can not be tested for brain damage,
   5. Barack Obama was not born in Kenya, but in Gabon, and his parents were both Christianized cannibals, and
   6. health insurance is better than health care.
4. Not everybody in Iraq was tortured. Among the exceptions were Saddam Hussein, who lived underground, and the CIA station chief in Baghdad. With those two exceptions, every other Iraqi was tortured until they confessed that the U.S.is exceptional.
5. It was difficult but not impossible to torture babies, infants, and newborns. The report details how an entire industry was developed in Iraq designing, manufacturing, and selling miniaturized waterboarding containers that could be used with infants and newborns. The profits have doubled Iraq’s domestic annual product.
6. Hillary Clinton was the first test subject in the torture program. She confessed to everything, including pretending to be Monica Lewinsky under Bill’s desk, smoking cigars the way Bill liked ’em smoked. She also confessed to using stain proof clothing at those moments, “but it turned out to be unnecessary.”
7. Dick Cheney enjoyed being tortured and put ads in Emily’s List seeking more. It cost him a pretty penny. According to Cheney, “torture is just sex under a different name.”
8. When the government got tired of conducting torture itself, it farmed it out to a private company(honest! Swear to God, it’s in the report!). Torture Inc., since listed as part of Blackwater and now Academi on the New York Stock exchange, sells torture services to governments and private industry. Torture Inc still conducts waterboarding, but claims that, “the most effective torture is putting someone on hold,” and uses that method more than any other.

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BY MARQUEL: U.S.A. = Torture, Inc.