Marquel, TPVs NYTimes privacy section correspondent, was working on his family album, by filling it up with newspaper cutouts when he read
Baby pictures at the doctors? Cute, Sure, but Illegal.
The “baby wall” at obstetricians’ and midwives’ offices is gradually going the way of cigars in the waiting room, because of the federal patient privacy law known as HIPAA.
Marquel reacts to idiocy in several ways, he knew. Sometimes it is disbelief, other times it’s anger, sometimes it’s confusion. Then there’s the idiocy of idiocy. His reaction to that is uniformly rage. That’s how he felt about this new rule, based on privacy, that is taking down the adorable baby picture wall from pediatrician’s offices.
Now get this. It’s based on the theory that a baby picture is a medical record that reveals the baby’s identification. Have you ever recognized a particular baby from a baby picture? It’s next to impossible. First of all most baby pictures are smiling. Most babies, however, are crying. Has the government lost all its remaining marbles? Clearly yes. Marquel hoped there were a few pediatricians willing to tell the government to fuck off.
But pediatricians have more pressing tasks than to pick a brainless fight with a brainless government. Like malpractice insurance. So I tried to cool off with Mufi at his Bayard street restaurant. He had just finished a new batch of noodles which saddened me because part of the fun with Mufi was to help him by holding the noodles as he stretched them and doubled them over. We had frogs legs and noodles. Mufi’s frogs legs and noodles are so well known that twice a year the Chinese Politboro invites him to give a banquet in Beijing for the highest officials.
I asked him about the baby pictures.
“What about dead babies?” He asked.
“Dead babies?” I wondered.
“Sure. Dead people have no privacy interest. If a doctor has enough dead patients, he could use their baby pictures to make a very attractive baby wall.” He said.
“I’m surprised at you Mufi. That’s so heartless.” I said.
“I’m not saying to kill them. Just to show their pictures. In China we celebrate those who die prematurely. This would be an honor.” He asserted.
“I’m afraid that wouldn’t work here,” I said. “Any other ideas?”
“Grandfather pictures. They wouldn’t even be patients so there couldn’t be any concern. A wall of grandfather’s without any legal complications.” He said.
“But think of the difference. A wall of beautiful chubby cheeked smiling infants. A wall of grizzled, bearded or unshaven, sunken cheeked dirty old men.” I said.
“It could become a trend. Once people got used to it, they would expect to see the grandpa’s wall. You enter a pediatrician’s office, the first thing you look for are the grandpas. We Chinese we celebrate grandparents the same as dead babies.” He said.
“Enough of the dead babies.” I implored. “Do you really think any patient would walk into an office where all the babies were dead?”
“Okay,” Mufi said, “how about this. Each doctor takes another doctor’s baby pictures. No invasion of privacy nor even a medical record because those babies aren’t patients of that doctor.”
“I think that would rob it of the whole sense of family they’re trying to reach.” I said.
We ate our noodles and took some more frogs legs. Mufi was deep in thought.
“How about,” he finally suggested, “each picture be distorted like you can do in your smartphone. Like fisheye lenses. If they’re not recognizable, right?”
“So you think a doctor’s office full of baby fisheye portraits would make New parents excited about going there?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I never took my kids to the doctors so I’m the wrong person to ask.” He said.
“I see. Never took your kids to a doctor?” I asked.
“Never sick.” Mufi answered.
That wasn’t a conversation I wanted to follow. Fresh noodles. Mufi insists that noodles should be eaten fifteen minutes after cooking or replaced. So we did.
“So,” I remarked, “it’s either dead babies, old grizzled grandpas, or fisheye views. That’s it?”
“I think that’s pretty good dealing with the largest government in the world determined that there be no baby pictures in baby doctor offices.” Mufi said.
“I guess you’re right. How did we get such an idiot government?” I asked.
“Some say you get the government you deserve but that’s not true. Donald Rumsfeld said it best,” he said.
“Uh oh.”
“Yes, only an idiot can diagnose idiocy. He said, sort of, that you deal with the government you have, not the one you want.”
I love Mufi. We started on the wine. We took fisheye pictures of each other. We laughed.
***
BY MARQUEL: Uncharted Walls
Loved it…
Crazy…How much crazier can you get Marquel? Dead babies? Grandpas?
Awesome!!! Keep going, Man.