YMCA Branch to Open in Uganda

Marquel, TPV NY Times diffidently gendered correspondent, was managing his perm, when he read Uganda Anti-Gay Law Struck Down by Court. The court ruled on narrow technical grounds, preserving the possibility that the measure could be altered and revived. If the law is saved,  aggravated homosexuality could still be a crime. Marquel understood the Ugandans. They are sort of a combination of Southern mentality and fifties morality. It’s not a good combination, he knew. Furthermore Marquel had learned that the judges who would hear cases involving criminal homosexuality (a tautology in Uganda)  are evangelicals trained and converted by the same American evangelical protestants who wrote the capital punishment law. It was, as they say, a nasty business.

I went to the Ugandan Mission and asked for an interview. Having no other pressing business, it appeared, they hastily straightened up a small office and ushered me in to speak to the deputy head of mission.

“Why are you so hostile to homosexuality?” I asked.

“Ha ha,” he laughed volubly, “why that’s like asking why I’m hostile to terrorism or 9-11.”

“You can’t think that homosexuality is in that league,” I said.

“It could actually be at the top of the list. It’s ungodly, unholy, unnatural, perverse, and punishable by death and stoning, the good Lord tells us.”

“In the Bible, I suppose.” I said.

“Of course.” He asserted simply.

“But don’t you want a modern state, secular, without religious dictates?”

“Why of course,” he said, “we just don’t want gay people in it.”

“That’s so uncivilized,” I said, “look at the ancient Greeks. Homosexuality was sort of the hip hop of the Grecians.”

“They were uncivilized,” he said.

“You’re the people with Idi Amin,” I said, “aren’t you? And didn’t you have something to do with Biafra?”

“Idi Amin wasn’t gay,” he said.

“You’ve got a one track mind when it comes to gaynesss,” I said.

“We Ugandans are a determined people.” he said.

“What about Ugandan gay people? Are they determined?” I asked.

“I don’t know what they’re determining, but they better not determine to do it to me.” he said.

“That’s not the way it works. The same as straight people. Consenting couples.” I emphasized.

“Not for gays,” he said, “they have triples, and quadruples, and pentuples…and…it’s disgusting.” he said.

“Tell me you’ve never thought about a menage a trois?” I said.

“I don’t know what that is.” he said.

“Neither did Idi Amin,” I said, “don’t worry about it.”

He looked at me with curiosity, as if I were the freak.

“Tell me about this aggravated homosexuality,” I said, “I understand it’s punishable by death.”

“It’s very simple,” he said, “if someone is gay and he aggravates somebody else, it’s aggravated homosexuality. You’re  right, it’s a capital offense.”

“And since  you are aggravated by every gay person, you could have every gay person in Uganda executed.” I said.

“Because they aggravate me,” he said.

“But you don’t give them a chance not to.” I said.

“Of course we do. They can be straight. That’s not aggravating” he countered.

“I don’t know, Mr. Deputy, I find this whole conversation aggravating.” I said.

“It doesn’t matter as long as I’m not gay,” he said.

“How do I find that out?” I asked.

“Ask me,” he said.

“It’s as simple as that?” I asked.

“Yes, as long as you’re not gay. If you’re gay, not matter what you say, let’s face it, you’re gay.”

“Well, at least you got that right,” I said, and left the Ugandan Mission a bit aggravated.